40 Days of Surrender - Day 11

Thursday, October 20, 2011 - Conversation with God

Heavy.  Tears.

Guilt.  Speeding Ticket.  Pressure from Mom that we’re being too extreme in dealing with R.G.’s eczema.  Mom’s been taking care of the kids a lot, I’ve been gone.  Guilt.

But none of that was sin.

Heavy. Tears flowing.

Burdened.  Overwhelmed.  “Take my yoke upon you …my yoke is easy and my burden is light.  Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest,” says Jesus.   “Let it go,” says Cindy (a friend who doesn’t even walk with the LORD!)

I can’t.  Why can’t I let go, LORD? 

I feel a responsibility to “deal with it.”  I brought it upon myself, so I must “deal with it.” 

I know you don’t think like that, God – You don’t hold me to that responsibility.  I just feel like I have to “figure it out.”

Figure what out? 

The “why” it happened, why I got overwhelmed?  “How” to fix it and “how” to avoid it in the future.

But you know you get overwhelmed, Jill, by filling your schedule with too much.

But I feel like if I dwell on it, I can understand it better.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”

Sigh…try to crack my neck – I’ve had this stubborn kink for days, I tried in vain to undo it myself, when’s the next time I can go to the chiropractor?  I want to put myself in the hands of him who is skilled to unkink me.  Hmmm…I want to put myself in the Hands of Him who is able to carry my burden, who delights to lighten my load. 

You can “Let Go” of the overwhelmedness,  Jill, if you can surrender your pride…surrender your need to understand all the details, surrender your drive to “be responsible” on your own strength for your own shortcomings…

Wow, God, I am not OK with You taking my shortcomings for me.  Isn’t that what you did on the cross with my sin!?!  Why then do I think that I’m burdening you too much to take my feeling of being overwhelmed and worn out!?!

Mercies anew every morning. (Lamentations 3)  It’s a new day, walk in it with Joy, Dear Daughter.  I want you to walk – light and joyful – that reflects Me.

Lord, I want to surrender this heaviness, this worn out, depressed, overwhelmedness.

I know I can trust You to take it, will I let you?

For Your glory, not just my comfort, For Your glory, LORD, for Your glory…

That’s it!  I feel like if I just let it go for my comfort, I’m cheating somehow, taking the easy, shortcut road…but if my motive is to walk in step with The Spirit, that frees me to let go for Him to be glorified through my surrender!

Sigh…



For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.

40 Days of Surrender - Day 10

Wednesday, October 19, 2011 - AHHHHHH!

I don't even know what to title this one.  I don't know what lessons the LORD is trying to teach me.

I got a speeding ticket yesterday - going THRITY-SIX miles an hour!!!!  No, that's not 36 miles an hour over the speed limit and no it was not in a school zone.  It was in a 25 mph speed trap!  And to highlight the irony of this whole situation, this is only my second ticket in my 16 years of driving...and the other one was at the EXACT SAME SPOT six years ago!  You would think that I would be aware to be extra careful and usually I am but I was coming from a different direction and it is just that much of a speed trap.  And so now I am tempted to justify myself.  But was it really sin that even qualifies for "justifying"?  Yes, by the letter of the law I was breaking the law by driving at a speed higher than the posted speed limit.  BUT (justifying?) I was turning from a road that was 35 miles per hour, and the 25 mph zone lasts about 6 houses before it turns into 55 mph...I was driving, not in a hurry, but at the rate natural for that space!

I was quiet before the officer because I figured he gets people trying to weasle their way out of tickets consistently and I wanted to be "set apart"...UNTIL he came back to explain everything to me and said, "OK?"  And I started crying and said, "Well, no it's not OK and went on to explain how ridiculous this was but how I understood he was doing his job."  Then he left and I bawled.

Why?  Because I "failed" or because it was going to be 85 bucks (when money is tight) and 8 hours of a Saturday for STOP class or because of the injustice?

And I don't know WHY God let it happen because I came to the intersection and had to make a quick decision on whether I was going to go to the nicer Wal-Mart to the right or to the older Wal-Mart to the left, which was more on the way home.  But I wasn't in a hurry (i.e. not speeding to get somewhere!) so I turned right.  And by the way, my errand to Wal-Mart was because our Bible Study brings a meal to a ministry to Teen Moms once a month and I had offered to pick up items for my friend since she had been out of town.  So, I got a speeding ticket for not speeding on my way to do a good deed for a needy ministry!  I don't get it, God!

I know it's so minor in the scope of things, but the failure/expense/injustice really rocked my world - and I haven't recovered.  What lesson am I supposed to learn in this?  Am I supposed to surrender something?  What?



For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.

40 Days of Surrender - Day 9

Tuesday, October 18, 2011 - Breath in the present presence of I AM

I got angry twice yesterday.

In the morning, I wanted to go for a run and got frustrated with my son because he was moving slowly and resisting me asking him to put on pants since it was chilly outside.

In the evening, as I was trying to get the house pulled together for my mom's arrival while simultaneously getting the kids ready for bed, my 18 month old daughter drew on the upholstery of my favorite pink chair with a blue dry erase marker.  (I am so sick of dry erase markers staining clothes!)  That was the straw that broke this camel's back - I got so overwhelmed, I fell to the floor and cried.  And then I realized I was just angry.  With a cry out to God, I stood up and figured I better attempt a rescue on the chair sooner rather than later.  (And remember, I have tried in vain with dry erase marker so many times!)  The thought came to me (Thank You, Holy Spirit) to use rubbing alcohol...and IT WORKED!  I made a big deal about it to my son, that God was so merciful to allow us to get it off the chair, even though the blue mark was still on sis's pajamas.

So, instead of being defeated by my sin, I want to be sanctified by it, so I wanted to process with the LORD through journaling this morning.  He helped me see that the first instance was an issue of my agenda being challenged.  And the second was me feeling out of control.  There it is - anger rising from pride --> me not having my agenda met and my not being in control!

This is such a pattern, LORD; what am I to do next time to respond in a more godly manner?

*"Take a deep breath in the present presence of I AM"

Sigh, yes, LORD.  That will help me realign my thoughts - from being caught up in my mind and emotions and being "made new in the attitude of my mind."  (Ephesians 4:22-24 - came across this verse during Scripture Memory review this morning, seemed so appropriate!)



For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.

Pride vs. Brokenness List (Nancy Leigh DeMoss)

This list is from Nancy Leigh DeMoss’s “Brokenness: The Heart God Revives” book.  It is a non-exhaustive (as she describes) list comparing a proud person’s attitude to a broken person’s.  She starts the chapter saying, “Years ago a missionary served in a region in Africa that had known seasons of true revival.  He reported that whenever he would mention the name of any Christian, the national believers would ask him, ‘Is he a broken Christian?’  They did not ask, ‘Is he a committed…knowledgeable…or…hardworking Christian?’  They wanted to know, ‘Is he a broken Christian?’  Are you a broken Christian?  Am I?  How can we know?”

I appreciate reading in black and white the prideful sins I so easily try to make gray in my justifying.  Before I even read the first list of “Attitude toward others” I knew I was guilty of being critical and judgmental.  O, LORD, may I not justify these character traits and see clearly as the comparison to the proud, self-made rules I have in my own head.  Ugh!  May I feel them as ugly as soon as the thought enters my head and Cut ItOff!

I was convicted that I needed to get permission before posting this copyrighted material, so I removed it and will hopefully follow through and receive permission.  In the mean time the list can be found on pages 88-101of Nancy Leigh DeMoss's book "Brokenness: The heart God Revives"


Sorry, for the inconvenience.

40 Days of Surrender - Day 8

Monday, October 17, 2011 - Arguing

In the last two days I have recognized my temptation to argue.  Praise the LORD He granted me the recognition and self-control to not engage in the argument.  Neither was anything significant so I am thankful that the LORD is easing me into this trial with fairly easy temptations.  It helps me recognize though that I have good practice arguing and I think I'm pretty good at it, if I do say so myself...not that that's much to take recognition in!  I see how arguing fans the flame of my pride causing me to persist in having "my way be right."  Ugh!  And thus another way "my way" and "me being right" and "having the best way" rears its ugly head!  May I feel them as the ugly sin they are as soon as the thought enters my head and Cut It Off!

Galatians 5:16-19 was a memory verse I was reviewing today.  “The acts of the sinful nature…” It’s easy to skim over the list as it appears “extreme.”  If I’m honest with myself, though, I’m guilty as charged by a majority of them and especially idolatry, fits of rage, and selfish ambition in this current trial of surrendering.  That’s enough for the death penalty – “…those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.” May I feel them as the ugly sin they are as soon as the thought enters my head and Cut It Off!


I was also reading a small portion of DeMoss' "Brokenness" book and I got to The List that I recall from reading the book years ago.  The List of comparing Proud people with Broken people. It was eye opening then and freshly convicting now in this season of Surrendering Pride.  I am realizing that in this 40 Days of Surrender, I'm learning to surrender a lot of things - control, irritation, frustration, "my way" being best, arguing til I'm seen as "right"...but the root is My Pride.  I think that's why this book "Brokenness" has been such a good tool in this 40 Days of Surrender - More of You, LORD and less of Me!




For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.

40 Days of Surrender - Day 7

Sunday, October 16, 2011 - Cut It Off!

The sermon text this morning was Matthew 5:27-20.

Lust.

"You won't say, 'No!' to lust, until you say, 'Yes!' to something you love more."  ~My Pastor

3 Words to be "Cut off" from Lust:
1) Transparency: Live your life in such a way that people can see it - live in the light and invite others in
2) Community: You were not meant to fight sin battles alone
3) Love: You won't say, 'No!' until something else is more appealing; until your love for God is greater than your love for your sin.  The Gospel will become more sweet when your sin becomes more ugly.

The seriousness of sin: If you could fix it by mutilation, it would be worth it!

Cutting off that which is most dear to you for the sake of righteousness!  (The right eye and hand would have been of utmost value in a culture where life depended on it: archery using primarily the right hand & the right eye and the soldier swinging his sword in his right hand, looking on with his right eye while his shield is mainly covering his left eye).

If your computer causes you to sin, cut it off!
If the route to work causes you to sin, cut it off!
If the game causes you to sin, cut it off!

If my pride causes me to sin, cut it off!  Selah...pause...hmmmm...how does one go about cutting off their heart!?!

Ah, tis the ambition of this Fast...to have the scales cut off day by day by day...

This much, O LORD, I want You, this much!

The pain is worth it because YOU are WORTHY!


(Note: Most of these thoughts are from My Pastor)



For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.

40 Days of Surrender - Day 6

Saturday, October 15, 2011 - "The Greatness of My Sin and the Surpassing Greatness of His Grace"

This was a quote from DeMoss' "Brokenness" book.  And this is what a meditated on today.  It's not a new thought.  And it's even the idea that was a catalyst for this Fast.  I need to understand the depth of my sin, the ugliness of me justifying my sinful thoughts and attitudes, how it offends God Almighty and is the cause of the chasm between us.  I cannot be fully healed in my broken relationship with God until my heart is broken of its prideful sin.

O LORD, please, Let me Learn the Greatness of My Sin.


And THEN the Surpassing Greatness of Your Grace.




For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.