40 Days of Surrender

Here it goes...

It will be worth it, it will be worth it, it will be worth it...

YOU are worthy, LORD, You are WORTHY, LORD, You ARE Worthy, LORD!

So, 31 years to this place.  And I've been here before, but this time I truly want it to be different.  I want to say that I "desperately" want it to be different, but although the "desperate" feeling has poked it's head in, it hasn't taken root.  I think because it's going to be HARD...

It's going to be hard to surrender my SELF.  Not my spirit, not my personality, but my SELF-WILL.  Ugh!  That thing that continually causes conflict between me and those I love - heck, the thing that causes conflict within myself!  (Galatians 5 - we do not do want we want to do because our flesh and spirit are at war with each other.)

So, I had posted that I had fasted Sunday, October 2nd in order stir up my hunger for God.  Less of me, more of Him!  Throughout that week, that stirring was present.  Then Sunday, October 9th the sermon was on Matthew 5.  Our Pastor made the point that the commandment "Do not murder," which applies to very few, quickly applies to EVERYONE when Jesus gets to the heart of the Law -- anger toward others, insults against God's image bearers.  As many times as I've read this passage and heard messages on the Sermon on the Mount, it seems as though the LORD was preparing me for such a time as this - fasting the previous week, having my mother-in-law visiting who I spoke disrespectfully to, stress of company leading to quicker disrespect toward my husband.  Nothing over the top, no blow-ups, just that annoying continual drip.  That underlying irritation of mine that gets fanned and then expressed in harsh words and does as much damage as a spark of fire in a dry forest (James 3).

I came home Sunday and read some of Nancy Leigh DeMoss's book "Brokenness, the heart God revives"  I've read it twice before.  It's a short book that I return too when I know there is need for brokenness in an area of my life.

And so, Monday, journaling, it occurs to me that fasting is what I need again, a brokenness from that idol of "self" in my life.  That which makes me strive for control, that which makes me irritable (another word for angry) when things don't go "my way", that which is so strong that it blurts out what it's thinking before I can reign in that powerful tongue - words that hurt or heal.

LORD, I want to SURRENDER my self-will, so that I am able to have the gentle and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:4) that is pleasing in your sight.  An open-handed life, a soft spirit that is moldable in Your hands and flexible toward the people and circumstances around me.

Oh, this is going to be HARD...but doing the RIGHT thing IS often hard...Obedience is sometimes hard but always right...LORD, I believe you are calling me at such a time as this to Obey this Hard road - so I look more like your Son, Jesus and thus bring You more glory!  It will honor You and those around me (specifically my husband and those close to me who get hurt by the affects of my Self-Will expecting it's way:))

For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.