Attack

So, I started seeing a counselor on Tuesday, May 22nd to help me sort through some key relationships I find myself in recurring conflict management with.

Wednesday, I had a spat with my husband.   Thursday the kids were squirrely, I was trying to get the house pulled together so we could leave to go swimming and I had to keep dealing with strife between them, I was wearing thin and then as they are squirrely & playing with the magnets on the fridge, DD2 crumples up the ultrasound picture.  I start crying, feeling quite out of control at that point.  We didn't end up going swimming, but two more things made me cry that morning.  That evening DH and I discussed the spat which left me in tears again right before entering in to Bible Study.  Friday, I lost it with my Father-in-law for the first time since he moved in 3 months ago and I was deeply broken by my behavior.  I just felt a mess and not myself, more like "old Jill."  Was it pregnancy hormones, feeling legitimately overwhelmed, spiritual warfare?  I called a friend to pray for me and it was ministering to me.

As I processed/journaled with the LORD Saturday morning it became evident that the events of the last three days were primarily spiritual warfare.

The enemy made the mistake (I believe God allowed Him to in order to enlighten me) of hissing the lie: "See, Jill, you'll never change.  You'll always be that emotional, over-reactor that you've always been.  Counseling won't do you any good."

And therein the Truth was exposed!  The truth is that usually I'm not like that anymore.  That means I HAVE changed.  God has worked and therefore I can have hope that He will continue to work!

The next week the enemy seemed to lay off and I didn't battle much emotional ruckus.

This past week Monday & Tuesday were tiring days with a workout where the fan wasn't reaching me, a DMV trip, almost passing out getting blood drawn (pregnant women should not fast prior blood being sucked from body), 1 hour car ride to/from doctor, and no naps either day.  None of that was especially emotional nor would I classify as spiritual warfare, but tiring nonetheless.  Wednesday, one of those cyclical marriage issues arose which had me torn & in tears - God is gracious as He lead through this, but this an attack on the emotions.  Thursday, at my OB appointment I find out that the issue that caused 1 month of discomfort in my last pregnancy will cause 6 months of discomfort this time around, increase my risk of blood clots, and I have to get out of the car to stretch every 2 hours.  We have 3 long car trips planned this summer.  The first being in 12 days - a biking/hiking trip I have had planned with 3 girlfriends since before I found out I was pregnant - this  was an emotional issue as I already feel like I'm the group's weak link and raised questions as to how this news would affect the trip.  For the next 28 hours this was heavy on my mind & heart before I talked to one of the gals who reassured me it was not going to be a drag on the group to tailor things around my "condition needs."  I really don't like being "that person" but may Christ work through this humility - when I am weak, He is strong (1 Cor. 12:12)!

Saturday, there is a church-related disagreement via email between us and a couple who are our dear friends and Bible Study group members.  DH is in the process of bringing this to resolution, but oh, so heavy on my heart & mind until it is.  Just what Satan wants to bring division among God's people - may it not be so!

So, again a tri-fold attack.  This time instead of three peoples in my home; it's once again marriage, but then also includes, my health, my friends and emotional issues therein, and unity of The Church!

Sunday, heart still heavy, but the Spirit ministered to my soul through:

This is my Father’s world, O let me ne’er forget

That though the wrong seems oft so strong, God is the ruler yet.

This is my Father’s world, the battle is not done,

Jesus who died shall be satisfied, and earth and heav’n be one.

and

Jesus, Lover of My Soul, let me to thy bosom fly

While the nearer waters roll, while the tempest still is high

Hide me, O my Savior, hide, ‘til the storm is past

Safe into the haven guide, receive my soul at last

Other refuge have I none, hangs my helpless soul on Thee

Leave, ah! Leave me not alone, still support and comfort me!

This is my Father’s world, the battle is not done...I will stay in the fight knowing He's in control and try to remember to cling to Him as my refuge!

My next counseling session is Thursday, June 14th - may the LORD open my eyes and heart to see and discern the schemes of the enemy and grant me wisdom and strength to persevere as a soldier honoring her Commander...for healing to bring You Glory!

Divorce and Deceit

It happened again, I heard of a pastor (whom I respect), telling a wife that she had grounds for a divorce.  Sexual immorality...porn addiction.  "Every time he looked, he broke his vow."

My heart breaks for her, for her situation and for her pastoral advice.  And my heart breaks for God - for how His marriage covenant - the promise, the commitment - has become so tainted over the centuries and is barely even recognized as a covenant in modern society, even Christian society, among His people.  

To clarify up front, this is NOT a condemnation for the divorced nor a condoning of sexual immorality; for we all are probably friends with someone divorced and many of us affected by the pain and brokenness of divorce.  “He who is sinless cast the first stone;” (John 8) I do not stand as judge nor can I stand as judge (I believe my sin of harsh, disrespectful words and the ways he fails to fully love me are just as ugly sins in God’s eyes – physical adultery and adultery with words both offend God’s holy design for marriage).  And yet there is A Judge who has established the standard for marriage, even created it to model the relationship He has with His people.  

I only want to voice how I see the Bible portraying marriage and divorce in hopes to spark in people's minds a transformed (Rom 12:2- not conformed to the pattern of this world) understanding that maybe, just maybe will be a spark that starts a radical passion for marriage that flames strong in The Church, fighting against the deceit the crafty serpent has demised. 

So, God creating marriage to model His relationship with His people…and that is modeled after the union He has in the Trinity! (Genesis 2, Ephesians 5)

So what does God’s relationship with His people look like?  He extends His covenantal love, grace, forgiveness, faithfulness, protection, provision to an appreciative, faithful, loving people – right?  No! - He again and again reaches out to an ungrateful, faithless, idolatrous/adulterous, grumbling group of people.  His people (Israel and The Church – think Peter, Saul) sin against Him and each other regularly, not just every once in a while.  And He forgives them and embraces them in His covenantal love each time – no doubt with sadness, even anger…but the picture of our God is to initiate toward us in our sin…and yet again.  (cf. Hosea)

Is this the picture - the model - the people of God are giving as a witness of God’s love to the watching world?

I think most would agree, “No.”

When my best friend from high school was separated from her husband and contemplating divorce, as one who stood as a witness to her marriage covenant vow, I was motivated to seek what the Bible really says about divorce (as opposed to what our itching ears have become accustomed to hearing these days – 2 Timothy 4:3).

That study can be found HERE.