A HOMEMAKER IS:

I'm unsettled.

I'm unsettled regarding the stigma of a "Homemaker" or "Just a Stay-at-home-Mom."

Thankfully, I dwell in circles where this calling is affirmed and encouraged and my husband isn't the only one saying his homemaking wife "works harder than I do.":)

Maybe it's my pride.  Maybe it's my stubbornness.  Maybe it's my innate desire for justice and for all to believe what's true.  But I don't want to settle for just being content in my heart with knowing that being a homemaker is more than the stigma of having little value or at least being underappreciated even if its value would be verbally praised.

I want to have a voice.  When someone asks me, "What do you do?"  I want to respond with something thought-provoking, something that makes others (even fellow SAHMs) pause and ponder the honor and significance of being a homemaker.  Something that catches so that this generation can break the mold and when the vocation (from the root of "the calling") of "homemaker" is mentioned it invokes a sense of awe instead of invoking a sense of awkwardness.

I listened to a John Piper Mother's Day sermon on Proverbs 1:7-9 that brought me to tears as it resonated with my heart's desire to invest deeply into my children.  It challenged and inspired me as I feel where I fall short in my wrestling between getting caught in my own agenda and having my heart set on things above.

And I feel the weight and get weighed down emotionally, physically, and now that I think of it spiritually as well (not keeping God's perspective) by the mundane, the interruptions, the resistance, the lack of evidence that I'm making a difference in the life of these littles (ages 6,4, & 19 months).  Hmmmm...to have the faith and hope and anticipation of looking forward and seeing/knowing what they will need to be impactors for the kingdom down the road without being discouraged by the reality that there will be areas I fail them in and DEAR LORD, may it NOT be failing them in ways in which they will be hindered in walking WITH YOU and Serving FOR YOUR GLORY!  Oh, the wisdom that will take!  May my heart be like the young man Solomon desiring wisdom...for me, LORD, wisdom in parenting, shepherding these sheep you have entrusted to me and not be distracted by my desire for order, praise, perfection, or any other idol.

So back to the reality of "Homemaker." "Homemaker" has a "simple" connotation for the "simple-minded."  When in reality a "Home-maker" is:

A Love-maker (first and "should be" foremost:))
A Peace-maker (a unique challenge with lots of sinners living in close quarters day in and day out)
A Food-maker (3 to sometimes 6 times a day!  Time to figure out what to eat, get it ready, and clean it                                  up again!?!)
A Mend-maker (from broken zipper to broken heart, from bruised knee to bruised confidence)
A Bed-maker (and all the other laundry that comes with the sheets)
A Clean-maker (or at least straightening it up somewhat regularly!)
A Decision-maker (all the small instantaneous "Mom, can I's...?" to the medium "Where should we play which sport? to the important "How do I best, most genuinely instruct you in the ways of the LORD!?!"
A Comfort-maker (from comforting the crying baby, the whining toddler, or upset teenager to making the guests feel comfortable, showing genuine Christian hospitality and not just entertaining with a matching themed ambiance.)
A Decorator (all those little things that make a house a home)

And all that just in the home...

Not to mention the chauffeuring, the cheerleading, the appointments, the shopping...all the activities of the executive homemaker that make up the "out of office" hours!

(**And this is not by any means intended to cause division amidst my sisters-in-Christ who choose to have a monetary job.  This is just my processing my personal feelings of the societal stigma of being a homemaker.)

Attack

So, I started seeing a counselor on Tuesday, May 22nd to help me sort through some key relationships I find myself in recurring conflict management with.

Wednesday, I had a spat with my husband.   Thursday the kids were squirrely, I was trying to get the house pulled together so we could leave to go swimming and I had to keep dealing with strife between them, I was wearing thin and then as they are squirrely & playing with the magnets on the fridge, DD2 crumples up the ultrasound picture.  I start crying, feeling quite out of control at that point.  We didn't end up going swimming, but two more things made me cry that morning.  That evening DH and I discussed the spat which left me in tears again right before entering in to Bible Study.  Friday, I lost it with my Father-in-law for the first time since he moved in 3 months ago and I was deeply broken by my behavior.  I just felt a mess and not myself, more like "old Jill."  Was it pregnancy hormones, feeling legitimately overwhelmed, spiritual warfare?  I called a friend to pray for me and it was ministering to me.

As I processed/journaled with the LORD Saturday morning it became evident that the events of the last three days were primarily spiritual warfare.

The enemy made the mistake (I believe God allowed Him to in order to enlighten me) of hissing the lie: "See, Jill, you'll never change.  You'll always be that emotional, over-reactor that you've always been.  Counseling won't do you any good."

And therein the Truth was exposed!  The truth is that usually I'm not like that anymore.  That means I HAVE changed.  God has worked and therefore I can have hope that He will continue to work!

The next week the enemy seemed to lay off and I didn't battle much emotional ruckus.

This past week Monday & Tuesday were tiring days with a workout where the fan wasn't reaching me, a DMV trip, almost passing out getting blood drawn (pregnant women should not fast prior blood being sucked from body), 1 hour car ride to/from doctor, and no naps either day.  None of that was especially emotional nor would I classify as spiritual warfare, but tiring nonetheless.  Wednesday, one of those cyclical marriage issues arose which had me torn & in tears - God is gracious as He lead through this, but this an attack on the emotions.  Thursday, at my OB appointment I find out that the issue that caused 1 month of discomfort in my last pregnancy will cause 6 months of discomfort this time around, increase my risk of blood clots, and I have to get out of the car to stretch every 2 hours.  We have 3 long car trips planned this summer.  The first being in 12 days - a biking/hiking trip I have had planned with 3 girlfriends since before I found out I was pregnant - this  was an emotional issue as I already feel like I'm the group's weak link and raised questions as to how this news would affect the trip.  For the next 28 hours this was heavy on my mind & heart before I talked to one of the gals who reassured me it was not going to be a drag on the group to tailor things around my "condition needs."  I really don't like being "that person" but may Christ work through this humility - when I am weak, He is strong (1 Cor. 12:12)!

Saturday, there is a church-related disagreement via email between us and a couple who are our dear friends and Bible Study group members.  DH is in the process of bringing this to resolution, but oh, so heavy on my heart & mind until it is.  Just what Satan wants to bring division among God's people - may it not be so!

So, again a tri-fold attack.  This time instead of three peoples in my home; it's once again marriage, but then also includes, my health, my friends and emotional issues therein, and unity of The Church!

Sunday, heart still heavy, but the Spirit ministered to my soul through:

This is my Father’s world, O let me ne’er forget

That though the wrong seems oft so strong, God is the ruler yet.

This is my Father’s world, the battle is not done,

Jesus who died shall be satisfied, and earth and heav’n be one.

and

Jesus, Lover of My Soul, let me to thy bosom fly

While the nearer waters roll, while the tempest still is high

Hide me, O my Savior, hide, ‘til the storm is past

Safe into the haven guide, receive my soul at last

Other refuge have I none, hangs my helpless soul on Thee

Leave, ah! Leave me not alone, still support and comfort me!

This is my Father’s world, the battle is not done...I will stay in the fight knowing He's in control and try to remember to cling to Him as my refuge!

My next counseling session is Thursday, June 14th - may the LORD open my eyes and heart to see and discern the schemes of the enemy and grant me wisdom and strength to persevere as a soldier honoring her Commander...for healing to bring You Glory!

First 'God Revelation'

DD 23 months was sitting in her high chair at dinner showing us the "huut" (hurt) on her pinky finger.  Dear Brother, 4, is quick to inform her that God will heal her owey (and that's pretty cute in and of itself).  And DD says "Godt" for the first time and starts looking around and turns around to look out the patio door and looks around some more with a sparkle in her eye and hopeful anticipation for Godt to come and heal her "huut"!

May the great anticipation of our Healer continue to grow and keep the sparkle in her eye!