"You have to let me take risks, Mom"

The four and a half year old voice echos the 36 year old voice, "You have to let him take risks," which echos the almost 50 year old neuro-psychologist's as his 14 year old son shows off his explosive chemistry projects.  "You have to let them take good risks [like parent supervised chemistry explosions] or they'll choose to take bad ones."

And all this after DS4 stands on the chair and jumps up and over the arm of the chair to the wooden floor below.

And his words ring back to me right after he's practicing balancing on a football and as I say, "Uh..." right before he steps up to balance on the empty foot talk oats cylinder and right as I shut my mouth and then say, "OK, go ahead."  And the cylinder buckles under him and he stumbles, but he doesn't fall and he's proud of his risk and his mama realizes that was a "good risk" - a risk with only the possibility of maybe a bruised shin and a bruised ego that leads to humility and better judgment?

And all this from cautious first born who still gets stiff in the swimming pool, his mama's second home.  This cautious first born who took the training wheels off at 51 months of age and 2 weeks later was ready for a motorcycle.  This cautious first born who is blooming into a risk-taker?

And his cautious first born mama?  Have I bloomed yet into a risk-taker?  Have I open-handedly, open-armedly, open-heartedly trusted the One in control?  Have I been a risk-taking Pray-er, a risk-taking Hoper, a risk-taking faith-filled Truster, Share-er? Have I taken the risk of breaking my alabaster jar of all I'm worth to express my love and gratitude for my Christ-bought forgiveness?  Or have I stayed in my comfortable box in which I have pseudo control...what has that gained me, really?  Hmmm...the freedom of risk-taking in God's control...what risks does God want me to take for His glory?  What will that be like?

Peeling A Hard Boiled Egg

What comes to mind when you think of peeling a hard boiled egg?

The frustration of the egg white getting stuck on the egg shell?  The potential of a beautifully smooth tasty oblong object marred by the craters?  Sometimes it's a smooth unpeeling and other times...well, there's just not much of the desired egg remaining, huh!?!

I was standing over my kitchen sink, gazing up to the pines past the park, letting the shell drop in the sink and I had an Ann Voskamp moment.  I don't feel like I have them very often.  Is that a special gifting or a learned practice?  The ability to glean a spiritual lesson out of a mundane task.  Did this analogy come to mind because I am trying to have my mind set on things above while living down on earth, having my eyes open to see the glory of God in the little things here and now?  OR was it just a coincidence?

Whatever the cause, I want to remember the lesson:

Some eggs are easy to peel other eggs are a pain in the rear - slow going and frustrating.  But, no matter how they peel, their make-up and taste is the same.  Likewise, God has created us each with the same make-up: His Image.  And yet our sin has hardened us, made us stiff-necked, obstructed the pure, smooth beauty of the glory of God to be seen by all.  God is in the business of refining for our good and His glory.  As God is peeling away our hard outer shells, does He have an easy shell to work with, like pliable clay on a potter's wheel, or do we make His work more challenging by being the stubborn piece that clings to the "comfort" of the protective shell, leaving a marred crater in its place.

Whatever it is that makes eggs easier to peel, LORD, make me a learner of Your ways - that I way live in Your world in Your way - a way that makes me easier to work with in my sanctification process and a way that bears the image of Your glory more purely and majestically!

Attack

So, I started seeing a counselor on Tuesday, May 22nd to help me sort through some key relationships I find myself in recurring conflict management with.

Wednesday, I had a spat with my husband.   Thursday the kids were squirrely, I was trying to get the house pulled together so we could leave to go swimming and I had to keep dealing with strife between them, I was wearing thin and then as they are squirrely & playing with the magnets on the fridge, DD2 crumples up the ultrasound picture.  I start crying, feeling quite out of control at that point.  We didn't end up going swimming, but two more things made me cry that morning.  That evening DH and I discussed the spat which left me in tears again right before entering in to Bible Study.  Friday, I lost it with my Father-in-law for the first time since he moved in 3 months ago and I was deeply broken by my behavior.  I just felt a mess and not myself, more like "old Jill."  Was it pregnancy hormones, feeling legitimately overwhelmed, spiritual warfare?  I called a friend to pray for me and it was ministering to me.

As I processed/journaled with the LORD Saturday morning it became evident that the events of the last three days were primarily spiritual warfare.

The enemy made the mistake (I believe God allowed Him to in order to enlighten me) of hissing the lie: "See, Jill, you'll never change.  You'll always be that emotional, over-reactor that you've always been.  Counseling won't do you any good."

And therein the Truth was exposed!  The truth is that usually I'm not like that anymore.  That means I HAVE changed.  God has worked and therefore I can have hope that He will continue to work!

The next week the enemy seemed to lay off and I didn't battle much emotional ruckus.

This past week Monday & Tuesday were tiring days with a workout where the fan wasn't reaching me, a DMV trip, almost passing out getting blood drawn (pregnant women should not fast prior blood being sucked from body), 1 hour car ride to/from doctor, and no naps either day.  None of that was especially emotional nor would I classify as spiritual warfare, but tiring nonetheless.  Wednesday, one of those cyclical marriage issues arose which had me torn & in tears - God is gracious as He lead through this, but this an attack on the emotions.  Thursday, at my OB appointment I find out that the issue that caused 1 month of discomfort in my last pregnancy will cause 6 months of discomfort this time around, increase my risk of blood clots, and I have to get out of the car to stretch every 2 hours.  We have 3 long car trips planned this summer.  The first being in 12 days - a biking/hiking trip I have had planned with 3 girlfriends since before I found out I was pregnant - this  was an emotional issue as I already feel like I'm the group's weak link and raised questions as to how this news would affect the trip.  For the next 28 hours this was heavy on my mind & heart before I talked to one of the gals who reassured me it was not going to be a drag on the group to tailor things around my "condition needs."  I really don't like being "that person" but may Christ work through this humility - when I am weak, He is strong (1 Cor. 12:12)!

Saturday, there is a church-related disagreement via email between us and a couple who are our dear friends and Bible Study group members.  DH is in the process of bringing this to resolution, but oh, so heavy on my heart & mind until it is.  Just what Satan wants to bring division among God's people - may it not be so!

So, again a tri-fold attack.  This time instead of three peoples in my home; it's once again marriage, but then also includes, my health, my friends and emotional issues therein, and unity of The Church!

Sunday, heart still heavy, but the Spirit ministered to my soul through:

This is my Father’s world, O let me ne’er forget

That though the wrong seems oft so strong, God is the ruler yet.

This is my Father’s world, the battle is not done,

Jesus who died shall be satisfied, and earth and heav’n be one.

and

Jesus, Lover of My Soul, let me to thy bosom fly

While the nearer waters roll, while the tempest still is high

Hide me, O my Savior, hide, ‘til the storm is past

Safe into the haven guide, receive my soul at last

Other refuge have I none, hangs my helpless soul on Thee

Leave, ah! Leave me not alone, still support and comfort me!

This is my Father’s world, the battle is not done...I will stay in the fight knowing He's in control and try to remember to cling to Him as my refuge!

My next counseling session is Thursday, June 14th - may the LORD open my eyes and heart to see and discern the schemes of the enemy and grant me wisdom and strength to persevere as a soldier honoring her Commander...for healing to bring You Glory!

Toes or Cotton Balls? A matter of narrating for perspective

DD2 sees cotton balls and proudly says, "Toes" - Yes, sweetie, Mommy uses those cotton balls to take the nail polish off my toes.

I am struck my how her world is growing, her perspective of the world filling in.  She not only sees a bag of roundish, white puffy objects and recognizes them as cotton balls, but she is able to articulate their purpose (or at least a purpose known by her).  I am reminded of a phrase a dear older Titus 2 type woman shared with me at church one time - "Our children are excellent observers, but poor interpretters.  It is part of our responsibility as parents to narrate life for them."  And isn't this what God does for us throughout His Word - His perspective is being narrated so we are able to interpret life as He desires?

And the Spirit Prompts me with a CF thought as I think about this later in the day - As my children's perspective of their/our/God's world is forming and growing, may I be faithful to help narrate it in such a way that they are able to interpret it as God desires them to understand His world.  May they see, experience, and want to live in the Greatness and Goodness of living in God's world in God's way - acknowledging Him reigning on the throne of His kingdom, in their hearts and in this tangible universe they engage each day!  May they see and experience His glory, His goodness, His grace in the big and the small, the sacred and the secular, the ugly and the beautiful, the spectacular and the mundane!  (Genesis 50:20, Romans 8:28) May I see this so I can help them see this! (Random Thought - 5/27/12 - CF)

Random Thoughts

It dawned on me as I was early in the journey of hearing from God that there are different voices to discern.  Well, actually this isn't new as 1 John 4:1 makes it clear that there are different spirits, some from God, some not and we are to test them.  We are influenced by the quiet and loud, subtle and obvious voices of our past, our present, our enemies (spiritual and fleshly), our friends, our God, the media, the culture, inner, outer.  The main voices I wanted to discern were the deception of the Enemy, the fickleness of myself, and the Truth of God.

And then I realized that there are times which I know it is the voice of God - Him illuminating His Word or a sweet God Whisper (GW) to my soul and other times I don't feel like it's of me (for it seems too spiritual, too selfless, too others focused), but I'm not confident it is the voice of God. Is it just a random "good" thought or is it truly goodbecause it is inspired by God and He wants me to do something with the thought?  I think I've discerned those as Spirit Promptings (SP) in my life - prompting my heart, mind, & soul.  Not quite the directness of the voice of God that I must be obedient to (in thought and action), but His influence I should pay attention to and follow through with...for good and glory.  And then there are those thoughts which I want to grow and dwell on, to fill up my perspective so this is the way I see, so my life is more Christ-centered - shall I call them Christ-Focused (CF), Colossians 3 thoughts? 

So,  check out the "Random Thought" tab on the Home Page for some GWs and SPs and CFs which I may not have wanted to take the time to make a full blog post on, but thought it would be fun to collect them in one spot.

Thank You, Mom.

Two words, eight letters…it’s not enough.

Not enough for the nine months of ickies and heavies and umpteen hours of grunting and moaning and breathing and hand hurting from all that fatherly squeezing…the necessary uglies and pain to bring forth she who would bring forth joy, but also bring forth more pain and more uglies of her own with her attitude and disrespect to you.  Oh, what you had to endure. Thank you is not enough.

Not enough for all your sleepless nights à up feeding and rocking and soothing and driving around so the hum of the car would finally calm me down.

Not enough for trading in your beloved classrooms to make our home and our comings and goings a classroom to deeply and fully teach and mold two beings who would go on to use those lessons to influence others.  Being home and being there to all the day long teach those lessons of justice and compassion, those lessons of enthusiasm and commitment (even though we fought piano practice), those lessons of writing and reading (I think of family reads on the ugly 70 sofas in Sparta, not to mention the countless hours of being read to and the countless times “The Little Engine that Could” got up that mountain – maybe that’s part of why I know how to persevere), those lessons of sacrifice and being on time (OK, maybe I haven’t learned that lesson, yet, but I hope to by the time my children would be waiting on me to pick them up – that they’d NEVER have to wonder if Mom forgot – how I took for granted that security; I would think that would cause a child some angst that I never had to experience!), those lessons of kindness and honesty (even though the grocery store didn’t reward me for turning in the $20), those lessons of manners and morality that kept me on the straight and narrow (for all the goody-two-shoe remarks I took from peers and for all the over-protectiveness I felt, I’m thankful I don’t have many regrets from leaving the straight and narrow too often), those lessons of balanced meals and balanced checkbooks – learning to live modestly within our means…and all these lessons of love, not just taught by books but lived out by you.  Thank you is not enough.

Not enough for the endless love – extending beyond the 18 years.  Those 18 years of live-in duty of have-to time and have-to provisions, converting into whatever time and resources you wanted to give.  And oh, do you give the time…to every swim meet, to every special occasion…and not just a day on either side of the occasion, total of weeks to look for a wedding dress (and oh, the patience needed for the indecisive daughter shopping for the ideal) and plan the big day – the time, the energy, the creative, the money… given freely, sacrificially.  The weeks you’ve given to ease the transition with baby #1, baby #2, hernia surgery, foot burn recovery.  The time and expense to travel and visit and prepare family vacations and the gifts and the work to update the house and make it more organized and the cleaning and the this or that device to make life at home more convenient.  No, surely, “thank you” is not enough. 

And yet you don’t expect or have ever asked even for those eight letters…because that’s just the kind of sacrificial and loving mom you are.  So I guess, thank you is more than you even expect, so: THANK YOU!

Happy 32^nd Mother’s Day, Mom!


This post was inspired by The 1000 Moms Project

I'm a Tooth

No, this isn't like the "You're a heel," this is in reference to how the theme of the Body of Christ has been coming up a lot in my recent study of Scripture. (Although I wanted to look up exactly what that insult means and according to wiki answers it means "a despicable, contemptible sort...the word illustrates...the lowest part of the body".)

And so what if you are "the heel" of "The Body".  For I am under the impression that it was the heel of our Savior Himself which was foretold to crush the head of the deceptive serpent responsible for inviting sin into this world and thus bring healing and restoration to creation - between God and His people! 

Genesis 3:15 - "And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel."

That long awaited for, messianic, metaphoric heel would be God's instrument of bringing ultimate victory in an age-old battle. 

Colossians 2:13-15 - And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross (v.15)

That "lowest part of the body" that wiki describes ... that's the one that will be first in Christ's kingdom!

Exekiel 21:26 - this is what the Sovereign LORD says: Take off the turban, remove the crown. It will not be as it was: The lowly will be exalted and the exalted will be brought low.

So what's so bad about being The Heel of The Body?  I wouldn't want to walk without a heel.  And those who have had to temporarily walk on a the ball of the foot, they sure do have sore calves.  I'm thankful for those in Our Body, in Our Family, in Our Kingdom who exemplify our Savior by overthrowing sin through their humility!  Put that way, it makes me want to be more of a heel! :)

And 1 Corinthians 12:21,22 says it itself - The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable..."

But, that wasn't the point of this post ... I guess now I'm a little sad to say I don't think I'm a heel, but as 1 Corinthians 12 and elsewhere in Scripture we are reminded that all parts of The Body are indispensable ... I will use the space of another post to tell you why I still think I'm a tooth!