I was watching an interview of Ann Voskamp that a friend sent me. She was talking about how her blog is so much an expression of lessons between her and God. I could relate to that. And as I think about how I haven't articulated many of my God-lessons in the last month, even though I've had many, I haven't felt as close to, as intimate with, God in this time. I've missed it - I've missed Him, I've missed processing and putting into words these life lessons, these lessons I want to renew my mind and transform my life to the glory of God! (Romans 12:2)
So what has filled this time instead - a week of preparing to travel, a week out of state (throwing my parents a joint surprise 60th birthday party - it was marvelous!), returning to attempt to bring life and house back to "neutral", returning and four days later finding out I'm pregnant:), and seven days later really feeling pregnant:(
Ugh! Now struggling with the low energy and yuck feeling - no puking, yet, but just yuck and eating continually to keep the yuckies away, which gives me a different bloated yuck feeling. With DS and DD I didn't start feeling pregnant until about 8 weeks, but this time around it hit at about 5 1/2 weeks. And I have to remind myself to give thanks in all circumstances - and this one is easy because it means the pregnancy is taking, a peace of mind for anyone who has had an early miscarriage.
And I also think I was still in the process of playing emotional catch up. Another example of how if I hold my hands more opened to God, I can receive His gifts with more immediate joy! See, we had been "trying" for about a year and I was banking on this month falling in line with all the previous months for two reasons - 1) I had been training for a cycling trip to the mountains of Colorado in June - I will probably still go, but finding out I'm pregnant did put a damper on my excitement about being pregnant and about the trip. 2) Due Date: Middle of December. One child has a birthday 10 days after Christmas and now one about that distance before Christmas. And this past Christmas it dawned on me that 5 of our last 8 Christmases together had something major going on right around Christmas. I was really hoping we would get to have a Christmas that we just got to focus on the Reason for the Season! I guess I'm easily distracted.
That's been my theme as I've been returning to the LORD tired and weary and foggy brained this last month. I'm sorry, LORD, I get so easily distracted. I want to be thinking clearing and be able to focus on You and things of You, staying in step with Your Spirit. "Teach me your ways, O LORD, that I may walk in Your paths, Give me an undivided heart that I may fear your name." (Psalms 86:11) This is the prayer of my heart... and then I get distracted...
And the low energy and the yuckies certainly don't help. But really are those just more excuses for distraction...do I really desire intimacy with Christ and reflecting His glory more than I want my life smooth and comfortable?
"Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalms 37:4) Am I delighting myself in the LORD? Or I am being dragged down by the never-ending duties and depressions of this world. For if He's my delight, then He's the desire of my heart and if I'm delighting in Him then He will give me more of Himself, which is the desire of my heart anyway! Now that's a win-win situation!
When I start feeling the distraction or the drag or the depression, can I replace those thoughts with what I want the reality of my true desire to be!?!
What does it take to set my mind on things above and not on earthly things? (Colossians 3:2)
Yes, easier said than done, but this articulation is a step and it's a step I've been missing for many a weeks now. Draw me back, Jesus, I'm really ready to be drawn back...It does me no good to keep floundering in this place..."Come to me all of you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest..." (Matthew 11:28-30) Yes, I am physically, spiritually, emotionally weary and I am burdened by my own sinful distractedness. May I learn from you, gentle and humble-hearted Teacher (Matt. 11:29)