You know the
scene: the gaggle of middle schoolers – the leader girl in hot pink sweat
pants, the geeky guy trying to be a part of the crowd. I was kicking with my kick board in the lap
pool at the YMCA which has big open windows looking into the hallway that
connects the Y to the middle school. It
was right after school got out so those adolescents were being as most are à please, notice me; help shape my
identity; I’m cool, right!?!
As I thought
back on my 11th through 14th years and remember those
questions and longings and associated wounds, I wondered “How can I help parent
my children through that rough season?” “What
is it that makes or breaks kids at that stage in life?”
As I pondered,
the LORD brought some thoughts to mind.
As a psychology major I like to think about these things. What came out ended up being four needs that
God has wired into all of us, I believe.
There are surely more researched conclusions with PhD behind them, but
this is what I’m working with for now:
1 1) Feel secure in relationship of love
with those important and consistent in my life (parent, siblings, God, friends,
other family members)
2) Feel valued: Who I am is good, I am
liked. This is accomplished by being
listened to, understood, cared about, having thoughts & feelings & best
interest considered
3) Feel connected to a community, a sense
of belonging (with family, friend, church, extra- curricular group)
4) Feel a sense of worth: I can be successful
at something; I am an asset somewhere; I have something to offer God’s
economy.
Each need is
based on feeling. I have heard that “children are great
observers, but poor interpreters.” I understand that children begin life interpreting
through their feelings so whether they are
loved or not isn’t as important as whether they feel loved. Maybe Uncle Joe
is a consistent person in their life but they don’t feel secure love in that
relationship; that may be affecting the child more than anyone is aware. Maybe they know God is supposed to be an
important part of life, but they don’t feel that. A child may need help navigating through
these parts of life and need to have a secure relationship of love to assist in
that. That first need is so foundational
to how the others will unfold. Needs #1
and #2 are primarily being fostered in the elementary years. In those middle school years is when needs #2
and #3 need more nurturing, but needs #1 and #2 best already be well established. As the child is growing into an adult in the
high school and college years, there is the greater need for needs #3 and #4 to
be experienced. Much of what they have
already determined about themselves and the world they live in and how they are going to go about getting
them met from here on out is largely based on how the needs have be met or unmet
thus far.
As those needs
go unfulfilled, children (actually we all)
seek in desperate ways to have those legitimate, God-given needs met. Unless those needs are met in the ways that
God intends, the seeking will lead to unhealthy lifestyle patterns – whether it
be private habits such as eating disorders, cutting, depression or group activities
in hopes to find that community to belong to and have something in common with
in the form of drugs, gangs, or other unhealthy relationships. With the backdrop of these needs unmet, it is
easier for me to see and sympathize with those who stumble into such
situations. To take it a step further,
even patterns such as people pleasing, performance based acceptance, fashion,
athletics, pride…are unhealthy (meaning ways God did not ordain) sources of
striving to have needs met. I think this is related to when God said in Jeremiah "They have forsaken me as the spring of living water and have made for themselves cisterns, broken cisterns that do not hold water." We try to gain love, value, community, & worth in means that God intended to be the only one to fill with the never-ending spring of love, value, community, & worth found in Him and His God-given gifts. (James 1:17)
If the
foundation of a secure relationship is missing, it is going to be harder for
that child to feel valued. If the
community of family is broken or dysfunctional, that need is going to be sought
elsewhere (sometimes to the dismay of the parent(s)). If there are not safe relationships and
community where the child feels valued, where are they going to receive the
affirmation and encouragement needed to pursue talents, skills, strengths,
interests in order to begin developing as productive citizen who feels like
they are an asset with something to offer (whether that be a positive
personality trait (your compassion would make a great nurse) or a specific
skill (you have great writing/math/teaching/athletic skills)). I would argue that the more solidly and in a
healthy, God-given manner these needs are nourished, the more emotionally healthy
and mature we become; on the contrary, emotional stagnation occurs as these
needs go unmet and seek unhealthy fulfillment.
So how do we
play a part in loving, proclaiming value, fostering community, and investing in
the assets of the young people (or really anyone) in our lives or who cross our
paths? To those in close/consistent relationship
to you: confirm a secure relationship of love.
To anyone(the checkout
cashier, the janitor, the homeless person you give a sack of food to): communicate their God-given value and
need to be validated by listening, caring, being considerate of them, seeking to
understand them, expressing evidence that you like them, they are ‘very good.’ To those is your community (your family,
church, any group you’re a part of): extend Christian hospitality, a sense of
belonging (none of that clichy stuff that causes feelings of exclusion!) To those you are working with in a setting of
‘skills’(physical or characteristics): Teacher (Sunday School or otherwise),
parent, boss, etc. – Praising work/attitude done in excellence (not perfection,
but someone working to the best of their abilities – you can praise an
elementary student or a handicapped child for their efforts of excellence, even
if it’s not a ‘perfect’ presentation; affirming talents/strengths you witness;
acknowledging gifts of God and His kingdom, as appropriate.
I agree with a lot of things you said here. I think the biggest needs I find I have to help my clients recognize/validate in themselves (as in, it's okay for me to have that need)/rebuild are value and a sense of belonging. They need security in relationships, and you're right - we can say we love someone all we want, but if we don't communicate that in a way that the other person FEELS loved, it's kind of a moot point. For good or for bad, you can't argue with someone's feelings. How they acted on them, yes, but not the feeling itself.
ReplyDeleteI think your paragraph that starts "As those needs go unfulfilled" is especially spot on. And I agree with your final lines - we should not be interested in perfection. I've seen FAR too many amazing, competent, worthy young women be taken down by a need to be perfect because they feel they are only recognized when they are at 100%, so being at 85%, for example, is "not good enough." Thus, focusing on the effort or the motivation or the heart that was in the attempt is of far greater and lasting value than the "grade" of the final outcome.
I think that, if we validate these needs in children, we don't have to learn as adults that these needs are actually valid. Again, I spend a lot of time trying to convince clients that being wanted and valued are both valid needs, not someone being needY. I think you've got good stuff here, friend! :)
Ok so both of you post amazing things you would think with a friend like JP who has a friend like Jenny I would not be one of these children you are all talking about but one who has come out on the other side shinny. So many of the things you both have written I know in my head but that FEEELING you are both talking about still dosen't feel. Wish it could.
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