How do I articulate this?
I tried at our Mom-2-Mom last Thursday (March 1, 2012) and I really feel I botched it, so I'm going to try in written form...
It's the articulation of where I am in my Christian walk. What I learning from God right now. But how do I say it without sounding self-debasing or self-righteous, over-analytical or judgmental?
I want to know Christ, I want to live out His righteousness...(Philippians 3:8ff) But to say that implies that I don't and does that come across as arrogant or belittling to someone who views me more spiritually mature than themself? "If she doesn't think she knows Christ, then she must think I really know nothing." No, no, no not at all! No, I feel like I am the babe in Christ, learning how to drink this basic spiritual milk (1 Peter 2:2): Knowing Christ, living out His righteousness instead of my own "assets" (Philippians 3:7 - do I really!?! my pride deceives me!!!) I may have been able to articulate truths for my Theology 404 class that my heart hasn't fully embraced yet. Yes, yes I know & deeply believe the truths of His life and death and resurrection...this Easter, I want to really know it. What does that take? I think that takes many Selahs. And the Selahs of the failures of fasting in Lent may just help with that.
A new Lesson to Learn for the Adventure.
For me, it's been 31 years of breathing on this earth and 16 years of those knowing Christ as my personal LORD and Savior.
16 years of hiking the mountain with God - first three years: very slowly, very flat terrain, establishing myself as a committed hiker; the next four years during college: charging that mountain, gaining a significant working knowledge of that mountain, being captivated by the breath-taking views, growing stronger by the dryness of the valleys, enjoying to minor peaks as I keep looking toward that Ultimate Peak of Heaven; two year post college: more peaks, more navigation skills, still quick pace, learning some of the finer tuned skills - growing in heart knowledge and not just head knowledge, finally committed to daily learning from The Guide Book; the last seven years: more dry valleys, more rocky terrain, more heart knowledge, more opportunities to apply the head and heart knowledge, more slips, stumbles, scrapes, blood, bruises - a more seasoned hiker to weather the storms but maybe also able to see the Hope of the Peak a little more clearly through the fog.
So, is this where God has me now after 16 years? (For the timing and pace and lessons and challenges and victories and even smaller goals of everyone's journey to the Ultimate Peak is so very vastly different!) We all start the journey on this "Jesus Mountain" with the Maker-Messiah Himself. And depending on our background and personalities and opportunities to learn and what type of learners we are etc, etc, depends on how much and how often we take the lead and when we let the Maker-Messiah navigate for us. How well do we listen to Him or do we think have been anointed the one to figure out this path now that The True Anointed One has gotten us started?
It has been my experience that echoes the stories of Scripture that the more we stay in step with the Maker-Messiah the more peaceful our trip, even when we have to weather storms.
But oh, that is so hard for this self-sufficient traveler!
So, I think this is where Maker-Messiah has me -- during this Lenten season -- at a place where I want to have a deeper understanding in my heart of hearts of my sin that sent Him to be sacrificed and the significance of that sacrifice. Oh what deep lessons that will take a life-time to continue to wrap my heart around!
John Piper's The Passion of Jesus Christ: 50 Reasons Why He Came and Died has been a resource I've tried to slowly work through to break down the self-sufficiency of my heart.
I did not Make me or any of my talents and I did not Save me nor do I sanctify myself in any way. Hmmm...that mysterious process of sanctification...I know in my head that it is all because of Christ's work, but my heart lives as if something of the sanctification part of salvation relies on my work..."work out your salvation" says Philippians 2:12. "For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose," says Philippians 2:13. It's a both and.
Maybe it has something to do with Tim Keller's words in the "Heart: Three Ways to Live" section of "Gospel in Life": "We need to not only repent of the bad things that we do, but we need to repent of the reasons we do good things."
"All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the LORD." (Proverbs 16:2) Oh, how it seems like even the good things I do and want to do are tainted with impure motives or reasons. Purify me, LORD Jesus, purify me!!!
So maybe if I stay more in step with my Guide on the mountainous trails of life, I will see more clearly the path -- maybe I will want to stay away from the sin that sent Him to be sacrificed and maybe just maybe I will understand more His righteousness that I can receive through the power of His resurrection and maybe when I slip and stumble on the rocks (temptations to sin in thought, word, or action!) of the trail, I will know they were necessary to point me back to my Guide & Savior - the Only One who can & did walk the trail without slipping in order to save us and thus is the Only One I should link arms with as I navigate this Jesus Mountain called "life". It's this truth of the Grace of Christ in the midst of Failure that seems to be the key Lesson of the LORD for me on this path of the Jesus Mountain.
The Jesus Mountain is Glorious no matter which trail you are on - the beginning trail head holds so much Glorious anticipation, the steady climb gives you opportunity to enjoy His Glorious scenery, the rocky terrain & valleys gives you opportunity to cling to the Glorious One into whose Glory you are climbing! Keep hiking fellow traveler! Keep hiking in Him and through Him and for Him (Romans 11:36)!
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
40 Days of Surrender - Day 10
Wednesday, October 19, 2011 - AHHHHHH!
I don't even know what to title this one. I don't know what lessons the LORD is trying to teach me.
I got a speeding ticket yesterday - going THRITY-SIX miles an hour!!!! No, that's not 36 miles an hour over the speed limit and no it was not in a school zone. It was in a 25 mph speed trap! And to highlight the irony of this whole situation, this is only my second ticket in my 16 years of driving...and the other one was at the EXACT SAME SPOT six years ago! You would think that I would be aware to be extra careful and usually I am but I was coming from a different direction and it is just that much of a speed trap. And so now I am tempted to justify myself. But was it really sin that even qualifies for "justifying"? Yes, by the letter of the law I was breaking the law by driving at a speed higher than the posted speed limit. BUT (justifying?) I was turning from a road that was 35 miles per hour, and the 25 mph zone lasts about 6 houses before it turns into 55 mph...I was driving, not in a hurry, but at the rate natural for that space!
I was quiet before the officer because I figured he gets people trying to weasle their way out of tickets consistently and I wanted to be "set apart"...UNTIL he came back to explain everything to me and said, "OK?" And I started crying and said, "Well, no it's not OK and went on to explain how ridiculous this was but how I understood he was doing his job." Then he left and I bawled.
Why? Because I "failed" or because it was going to be 85 bucks (when money is tight) and 8 hours of a Saturday for STOP class or because of the injustice?
And I don't know WHY God let it happen because I came to the intersection and had to make a quick decision on whether I was going to go to the nicer Wal-Mart to the right or to the older Wal-Mart to the left, which was more on the way home. But I wasn't in a hurry (i.e. not speeding to get somewhere!) so I turned right. And by the way, my errand to Wal-Mart was because our Bible Study brings a meal to a ministry to Teen Moms once a month and I had offered to pick up items for my friend since she had been out of town. So, I got a speeding ticket for not speeding on my way to do a good deed for a needy ministry! I don't get it, God!
I know it's so minor in the scope of things, but the failure/expense/injustice really rocked my world - and I haven't recovered. What lesson am I supposed to learn in this? Am I supposed to surrender something? What?
For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.
I don't even know what to title this one. I don't know what lessons the LORD is trying to teach me.
I got a speeding ticket yesterday - going THRITY-SIX miles an hour!!!! No, that's not 36 miles an hour over the speed limit and no it was not in a school zone. It was in a 25 mph speed trap! And to highlight the irony of this whole situation, this is only my second ticket in my 16 years of driving...and the other one was at the EXACT SAME SPOT six years ago! You would think that I would be aware to be extra careful and usually I am but I was coming from a different direction and it is just that much of a speed trap. And so now I am tempted to justify myself. But was it really sin that even qualifies for "justifying"? Yes, by the letter of the law I was breaking the law by driving at a speed higher than the posted speed limit. BUT (justifying?) I was turning from a road that was 35 miles per hour, and the 25 mph zone lasts about 6 houses before it turns into 55 mph...I was driving, not in a hurry, but at the rate natural for that space!
I was quiet before the officer because I figured he gets people trying to weasle their way out of tickets consistently and I wanted to be "set apart"...UNTIL he came back to explain everything to me and said, "OK?" And I started crying and said, "Well, no it's not OK and went on to explain how ridiculous this was but how I understood he was doing his job." Then he left and I bawled.
Why? Because I "failed" or because it was going to be 85 bucks (when money is tight) and 8 hours of a Saturday for STOP class or because of the injustice?
And I don't know WHY God let it happen because I came to the intersection and had to make a quick decision on whether I was going to go to the nicer Wal-Mart to the right or to the older Wal-Mart to the left, which was more on the way home. But I wasn't in a hurry (i.e. not speeding to get somewhere!) so I turned right. And by the way, my errand to Wal-Mart was because our Bible Study brings a meal to a ministry to Teen Moms once a month and I had offered to pick up items for my friend since she had been out of town. So, I got a speeding ticket for not speeding on my way to do a good deed for a needy ministry! I don't get it, God!
I know it's so minor in the scope of things, but the failure/expense/injustice really rocked my world - and I haven't recovered. What lesson am I supposed to learn in this? Am I supposed to surrender something? What?
For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Not JOY in spite of work, but in the midst of it
JOY.
I've been praying for it specifically since January 2010. New year. New year resolution: Peace and Joy. January 2011. New year. Same Resolution: Peace and Joy. August 21, 2011. Peace? Joy? Access...Peace, yes, most of the time. Joy, no. I've been seeking, striving, and sad.
James: joy in trials. 1 Peter: joy in suffering. 1 Thessalonians: rejoice always.
I know this in my head, why don't I/can't I feel it in my heart!?!
I so often FEEL only the longing for what I KNOW to be true: The joy of my salvation, the joy of our hope in Christ, the calling: Be Joyful.
So, it was that Sunday afternoon in August as I sat with pen in hand to process with the LORD - when have I experienced joy, when and why did I lose it, how do I live it again?
Now for some of you theologians this may seem unorthodox, but at this stage of my maturity in Christ, this is my personal revelation.
I wrote out stages of my walk with Christ and accompanying emotions. I read old journals and summarized themes I read. And this was my conclusion:
At the point in which I "lost my joy" was an extremely busy, overwhelming, life-changing point in my life - new job, newly engaged, planning a wedding, and buying a house in 4 and a half months time; then trying to figure out how to live day in and day out with my sin rubbing against this other sinner (a.k.a. my husband) whom I have now "become one" with. I got overwhelmed with LIFE, it sucked the life from me, and I have not recovered.
Restore unto me the joy of your salvation, LORD! (Psalm 51:12a)
Your Salvation.
Your Gospel.
Being in relationship with others in order to point them to Jesus. (Believer of Nonbeliever)
This is what matters.
This is what is life giving.
My conclusion:
~Life sucked the life out of me (and I have not recovered).
~Life is work, thus there needs to be joy IN work.
~Simplifying life makes room for joy (so life is not so overwhelming).
~Being in relationship with others in order to point them to Jesus is life-giving to me - this promotes joy!
This was revolutionary for me. Thank you, LORD, for how you speak to your sheep (John 10:4).
I have learned and believe that the WORK in the Garden of Eden was a GIFT from God to man. However, in the mundaneness of "homemaker" with the challenges of a husband with a chronic illness, I've struggled not to be dragged down and to truly live in joy. I have looked for joy in spite of the mundaneness and the challenges. Ah, but life IS work! My work IS a gift! Being a wife to the man God brought me to and being a mother to the children God entrusted to me and all the other details are working out just as our Sovereign LORD wants them for my good and His glory. The mundaneness and challenges that I have as a wife and mother are just what God wants for me to be sanctified as HIS Daughter reflecting the image of His SON! And THAT is what I am to choose to be joyful about in the midst of it all...not in spite of it!
Other recent connects that are promoting JOY for me in my new journey of joy:
http://www.aholyexperience.com (just poking around Ann Voskamp's website helps you slow down and focus on the joy and beauty in the mundane)
www.gitzengirl.blogspot.com (the blog "Choose Joy" whose young author was homebound with a chronic illness that took her life - wow - her Christ-focused devotion to joy in the midst of such pain and suffering is inspiring!)
Thank you, sisters in Christ!
I've been praying for it specifically since January 2010. New year. New year resolution: Peace and Joy. January 2011. New year. Same Resolution: Peace and Joy. August 21, 2011. Peace? Joy? Access...Peace, yes, most of the time. Joy, no. I've been seeking, striving, and sad.
James: joy in trials. 1 Peter: joy in suffering. 1 Thessalonians: rejoice always.
I know this in my head, why don't I/can't I feel it in my heart!?!
I so often FEEL only the longing for what I KNOW to be true: The joy of my salvation, the joy of our hope in Christ, the calling: Be Joyful.
So, it was that Sunday afternoon in August as I sat with pen in hand to process with the LORD - when have I experienced joy, when and why did I lose it, how do I live it again?
Now for some of you theologians this may seem unorthodox, but at this stage of my maturity in Christ, this is my personal revelation.
I wrote out stages of my walk with Christ and accompanying emotions. I read old journals and summarized themes I read. And this was my conclusion:
At the point in which I "lost my joy" was an extremely busy, overwhelming, life-changing point in my life - new job, newly engaged, planning a wedding, and buying a house in 4 and a half months time; then trying to figure out how to live day in and day out with my sin rubbing against this other sinner (a.k.a. my husband) whom I have now "become one" with. I got overwhelmed with LIFE, it sucked the life from me, and I have not recovered.
Restore unto me the joy of your salvation, LORD! (Psalm 51:12a)
Your Salvation.
Your Gospel.
Being in relationship with others in order to point them to Jesus. (Believer of Nonbeliever)
This is what matters.
This is what is life giving.
My conclusion:
~Life sucked the life out of me (and I have not recovered).
~Life is work, thus there needs to be joy IN work.
~Simplifying life makes room for joy (so life is not so overwhelming).
~Being in relationship with others in order to point them to Jesus is life-giving to me - this promotes joy!
This was revolutionary for me. Thank you, LORD, for how you speak to your sheep (John 10:4).
I have learned and believe that the WORK in the Garden of Eden was a GIFT from God to man. However, in the mundaneness of "homemaker" with the challenges of a husband with a chronic illness, I've struggled not to be dragged down and to truly live in joy. I have looked for joy in spite of the mundaneness and the challenges. Ah, but life IS work! My work IS a gift! Being a wife to the man God brought me to and being a mother to the children God entrusted to me and all the other details are working out just as our Sovereign LORD wants them for my good and His glory. The mundaneness and challenges that I have as a wife and mother are just what God wants for me to be sanctified as HIS Daughter reflecting the image of His SON! And THAT is what I am to choose to be joyful about in the midst of it all...not in spite of it!
Other recent connects that are promoting JOY for me in my new journey of joy:
http://www.aholyexperience.com (just poking around Ann Voskamp's website helps you slow down and focus on the joy and beauty in the mundane)
www.gitzengirl.blogspot.com (the blog "Choose Joy" whose young author was homebound with a chronic illness that took her life - wow - her Christ-focused devotion to joy in the midst of such pain and suffering is inspiring!)
Thank you, sisters in Christ!
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