Wednesday, October 26, 2011 - Hesitancy, Talk with God
This isn't necessarily a "surrender" lesson, but it's what was on my heart this morning. Yesterday, I posted about the Teen Parents ministry our family is getting involved in. It's interesting I even use the term "is getting" because we committed to it at the beginning of the summer and have gone almost every week to serve in one form or another since then. Even as the ministry and girls and guys and kids are heavy on my heart, I still feel a disconnect. So, I asked God,
"Can you shed light on my hesitancy?"
"Is it from myself or from You?"
"Keep your eyes and heart open, stay in step with Me."
I have failed in the past by trying to be "The Rescuer" (trying to meet needs only Christ can) and have been burned by not having healthy boundaries in my own heart/mind/life. I want to be a healthy influence in their lives and not be an enabler, nor be used, nor be burned out. I want to walk in wisdom, but I'm hesitant because I don't know what I'm getting myself into, I feel ill-equipped, and I don't know how much ministering in this avenue is going to take from me - time, emotions, money and I don't know how much it should. I don't have a grasp on the balance between boundaries and sacrifice.
"Keep your eyes and heart open, stay in step with Me."
For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
40 Days of Surrender - Day 16
Tuesday, October 25, 2011 - Surrender Self-Sufficiency
Since I was little I have strove for independence, which has developed into self-sufficiency. I have been convicted by it a number of times since trusting Christ, but it is certainly deeply rooted. During my study of 1 Peter 4 this morning, I was struck by verse 11. Verse 10 says, " As each has received a gift, use it to serve on another, as good stewards of God's varied grace:" followed by verse 11, "whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God, whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies - in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen." "Whoever serves, as on who serves by the strength that God supplies"...Theologically, I know in my head that "apart from Christ I can do nothing" (John 15:5), but in practice I tend to serve out of "my skills and abilities."
The LORD has brought me to an interesting place in my "serving" this year. Our family has committed, at least this school year, to serve a ministry to teen parents. I've known about the ministry for the 7 years of its existence and always "had a heart for it," knowing these were needing girls (and guys) and little kids. After studying James our small group was convicted to reach out to the poor, the widow, the orphan more and chose this ministry. God demonstrates his heart throughout scripture for the helpless and the hopeless through His special concern for the moneyless (poor) , the homeless (sojourner), the husbandless (widow or unwed mother), the fatherless (orphan), and the childless (barren). These teen parents (and their children) often fall in the first four of those five "helpless and hopeless" categories.
Our family has taken a extra step of involvement and I have started to get to know the girls in more of a mentorship capacity. And this is what I have learned: I am ill-equipped! And that is such a GOOD place for me to be as it forces me to "serve by the strength (and wisdom) God supplies"! These girls come from backgrounds of generational poverty and family/personal brokenness and issues that I cannot related to nor have I dealt with in my meager Christian leadership training. Normally when I feel inadequate, I would tend to feel useless and defeated. However, although those temptations have surfaced, I have been able to respond to them with a humility and trust in God to work in and through me. So, ministering to these teen parents (in their life issues more than in their parenting skills) is a specific way I am learning the beauty of surrendering self-sufficiency and there is certainly splash-over lessons in all areas of my life!
For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.
Since I was little I have strove for independence, which has developed into self-sufficiency. I have been convicted by it a number of times since trusting Christ, but it is certainly deeply rooted. During my study of 1 Peter 4 this morning, I was struck by verse 11. Verse 10 says, " As each has received a gift, use it to serve on another, as good stewards of God's varied grace:" followed by verse 11, "whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God, whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies - in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen." "Whoever serves, as on who serves by the strength that God supplies"...Theologically, I know in my head that "apart from Christ I can do nothing" (John 15:5), but in practice I tend to serve out of "my skills and abilities."
The LORD has brought me to an interesting place in my "serving" this year. Our family has committed, at least this school year, to serve a ministry to teen parents. I've known about the ministry for the 7 years of its existence and always "had a heart for it," knowing these were needing girls (and guys) and little kids. After studying James our small group was convicted to reach out to the poor, the widow, the orphan more and chose this ministry. God demonstrates his heart throughout scripture for the helpless and the hopeless through His special concern for the moneyless (poor) , the homeless (sojourner), the husbandless (widow or unwed mother), the fatherless (orphan), and the childless (barren). These teen parents (and their children) often fall in the first four of those five "helpless and hopeless" categories.
Our family has taken a extra step of involvement and I have started to get to know the girls in more of a mentorship capacity. And this is what I have learned: I am ill-equipped! And that is such a GOOD place for me to be as it forces me to "serve by the strength (and wisdom) God supplies"! These girls come from backgrounds of generational poverty and family/personal brokenness and issues that I cannot related to nor have I dealt with in my meager Christian leadership training. Normally when I feel inadequate, I would tend to feel useless and defeated. However, although those temptations have surfaced, I have been able to respond to them with a humility and trust in God to work in and through me. So, ministering to these teen parents (in their life issues more than in their parenting skills) is a specific way I am learning the beauty of surrendering self-sufficiency and there is certainly splash-over lessons in all areas of my life!
For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.
40 Days of Surrender - Day 15
Monday, October 24, 2011 - Lifelong Surrender
As I was thinking about my last 14 days of my 40 day surrender, it dawned on me that it hasn't been as HARD as I expected. It has been hard in the humbling sense but that in itself has been freeing and peaceful. I realized that although I would say I've had more victory than failure (thank you, Jesus!) the end of the 40 days is not going to be the end of my struggle of surrendering mySELF, Pride, Control, Anger, etc. And I knew that, but it sunk in a little more as I do like "arriving at the destination" and "accomplishing/completing the task". But I can look at this 40 days of surrender as a powerful catalyst into a beautiful, freeing, peaceful Lifetime of Surrender!
For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.
As I was thinking about my last 14 days of my 40 day surrender, it dawned on me that it hasn't been as HARD as I expected. It has been hard in the humbling sense but that in itself has been freeing and peaceful. I realized that although I would say I've had more victory than failure (thank you, Jesus!) the end of the 40 days is not going to be the end of my struggle of surrendering mySELF, Pride, Control, Anger, etc. And I knew that, but it sunk in a little more as I do like "arriving at the destination" and "accomplishing/completing the task". But I can look at this 40 days of surrender as a powerful catalyst into a beautiful, freeing, peaceful Lifetime of Surrender!
For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
40 Days of Surrender - Day 14
Sunday, October 23, 2011 - Not everyday has a significant lesson
As the day came to a close nothing stirred my heart as a significant lesson. But even within that there were a couple of lessons.
1) It's OK that not every day do I receive noteworthy words from the LORD, but then again, yes I do. I guess, it's a matter of how much I am impacted by them. I am amazed (and I probably shouldn't be) that every day for two weeks straight I have sensed lessons from the LORD specifically regarding "surrender." He must desire me to learn about that and my heart must be in the right place of learning in this season!
2) I didn't journal with the LORD this morning. I find that often in those times of exchanging words and when I have stilled my heart (or am striving for a stilled heart) before Him, is when I sense that still small voice (Psalms 46:10, Isaiah 30:21, 1 Kings 19:11,12). It's OK that I didn't journal with the LORD today, but it's also a good reminder of the value of this discipline in hearing from our Father.
For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.
As the day came to a close nothing stirred my heart as a significant lesson. But even within that there were a couple of lessons.
1) It's OK that not every day do I receive noteworthy words from the LORD, but then again, yes I do. I guess, it's a matter of how much I am impacted by them. I am amazed (and I probably shouldn't be) that every day for two weeks straight I have sensed lessons from the LORD specifically regarding "surrender." He must desire me to learn about that and my heart must be in the right place of learning in this season!
2) I didn't journal with the LORD this morning. I find that often in those times of exchanging words and when I have stilled my heart (or am striving for a stilled heart) before Him, is when I sense that still small voice (Psalms 46:10, Isaiah 30:21, 1 Kings 19:11,12). It's OK that I didn't journal with the LORD today, but it's also a good reminder of the value of this discipline in hearing from our Father.
For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.
40 Days of Surrender - Day 13
Saturday, October 22, 2011 - Surrender Ease, Comfort
This morning - email that Mother in Law may have lung cancer for the third time...in laws' dear Christian neighbor in her late 70's lying weak & bed-ridden with bone cancer...the timing of my morning not going as I thought it would...none following the "smooth" plan we plan for ourselves...all suffering to (very) varying degrees. All calls to surrender our striving for ease and comfort. We don't need to go and look for suffering; living in the Post Eden World is enough to live with suffering (whatever varying degree it might be that life is not matching up to your "smooth" plan.) Does anyone plan out their course to be intentionally difficult?
My study of 1 Peter is continually reminding me that we are exiles in this Post Eden World and we shouldn't feel comfortable. Maybe when we feel comfortable we should ask "What's wrong?" instead of when we face suffering.
For the first 5 years of my marriage, it would rock my world when my DH would (unintentionally) do things that made my life "not easy." My perspective was that having a husband would make my life more comfortable, rather than adding difficulty to it. Grace would be slow because his action (or lackthereof) was an assault on my striving for ease and comfort. In this last year, the LORD has been refining that perspective and I am starting to learn how to surrender the striving for ease and comfort. This morning I was reminded that life is not so much about "smoothness" but about SUFFERING WELL, and that involves surrendering ease and comfort and ABOUNDing IN THANKSGIVING.
For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.
This morning - email that Mother in Law may have lung cancer for the third time...in laws' dear Christian neighbor in her late 70's lying weak & bed-ridden with bone cancer...the timing of my morning not going as I thought it would...none following the "smooth" plan we plan for ourselves...all suffering to (very) varying degrees. All calls to surrender our striving for ease and comfort. We don't need to go and look for suffering; living in the Post Eden World is enough to live with suffering (whatever varying degree it might be that life is not matching up to your "smooth" plan.) Does anyone plan out their course to be intentionally difficult?
My study of 1 Peter is continually reminding me that we are exiles in this Post Eden World and we shouldn't feel comfortable. Maybe when we feel comfortable we should ask "What's wrong?" instead of when we face suffering.
For the first 5 years of my marriage, it would rock my world when my DH would (unintentionally) do things that made my life "not easy." My perspective was that having a husband would make my life more comfortable, rather than adding difficulty to it. Grace would be slow because his action (or lackthereof) was an assault on my striving for ease and comfort. In this last year, the LORD has been refining that perspective and I am starting to learn how to surrender the striving for ease and comfort. This morning I was reminded that life is not so much about "smoothness" but about SUFFERING WELL, and that involves surrendering ease and comfort and ABOUNDing IN THANKSGIVING.
For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.
Friday, October 21, 2011
40 Days of Surrender - Day 12
Friday, October 21, 2011 - Depression
After my break down yesterday morning and the proceeding conversation with God, it still took a bit for my heavy cloud to lift. But my heart was certainly sensitive to what God was doing and saying in my heart and life.
I was walking in to teach swim lessons, knowing that I had to be professional and friendly, though inside I was overwhelmed, heavy, sad (though not as much as earlier that morning!) And God showed me how my tendency is to hold on to my "depression" instead of being quick to 'let it go,' 'lay it at His feet.' I think that in my self-sufficient, independent (prideful), good ol' American "pull yourself up by your boot straps" kind of spirit, just surrendering something like depression to God seems like a "cop out." I "should" deal with it. And where that idea came from, I'd like to know because it's certainly not biblical nor anything I remember being specifically taught.
And then I realized that my way of "dealing with it" is to wait until something happens to lift my depression. (Getting enough things done on "The List" that I don't feel so overwhelmed, something good happening, someone giving me a compliment, getting good time with a friend, etc.) And that mindset is communicating that I am waiting for a circumstance to make me "feel" better instead of trusting the LORD to care for me and putting my hope in His promises - comfort, provision, grace, peace, joy, eternal glory, and the list goes on. I need to learn to have the mindset of Christ (Phil. 2:5). The bible teaches that our hope and joy are rooted in the character and works of God, not based on our feelings! May I surrender that depression quickly!
For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.
After my break down yesterday morning and the proceeding conversation with God, it still took a bit for my heavy cloud to lift. But my heart was certainly sensitive to what God was doing and saying in my heart and life.
I was walking in to teach swim lessons, knowing that I had to be professional and friendly, though inside I was overwhelmed, heavy, sad (though not as much as earlier that morning!) And God showed me how my tendency is to hold on to my "depression" instead of being quick to 'let it go,' 'lay it at His feet.' I think that in my self-sufficient, independent (prideful), good ol' American "pull yourself up by your boot straps" kind of spirit, just surrendering something like depression to God seems like a "cop out." I "should" deal with it. And where that idea came from, I'd like to know because it's certainly not biblical nor anything I remember being specifically taught.
And then I realized that my way of "dealing with it" is to wait until something happens to lift my depression. (Getting enough things done on "The List" that I don't feel so overwhelmed, something good happening, someone giving me a compliment, getting good time with a friend, etc.) And that mindset is communicating that I am waiting for a circumstance to make me "feel" better instead of trusting the LORD to care for me and putting my hope in His promises - comfort, provision, grace, peace, joy, eternal glory, and the list goes on. I need to learn to have the mindset of Christ (Phil. 2:5). The bible teaches that our hope and joy are rooted in the character and works of God, not based on our feelings! May I surrender that depression quickly!
For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
40 Days of Surrender - Day 11
Thursday, October 20, 2011 - Conversation with God
Heavy. Tears.
Guilt. Speeding
Ticket. Pressure from Mom that we’re
being too extreme in dealing with R.G.’s eczema. Mom’s been taking care of the kids a lot, I’ve
been gone. Guilt.
But none of that was sin.
Heavy. Tears flowing.
Burdened.
Overwhelmed. “Take my yoke upon
you …my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened and I will give you
rest,” says Jesus. “Let it go,” says
Cindy (a friend who doesn’t even walk with the LORD!)
I can’t. Why can’t I
let go, LORD?
I feel a responsibility to “deal with it.” I brought it upon myself, so I must “deal
with it.”
I know you don’t think like that, God – You don’t hold me to
that responsibility. I just feel like I
have to “figure it out.”
Figure what out?
The “why” it happened, why I got overwhelmed? “How” to fix it and “how” to avoid it in the
future.
But you know you get overwhelmed, Jill, by filling your
schedule with too much.
But I feel like if I dwell on it, I can understand it
better.
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your
own understanding.”
Sigh…try to crack my neck – I’ve had this stubborn kink for
days, I tried in vain to undo it myself, when’s the next time I can go to the
chiropractor? I want to put myself in
the hands of him who is skilled to unkink me.
Hmmm…I want to put myself in the Hands of Him who is able to carry my
burden, who delights to lighten my load.
You can “Let Go” of the overwhelmedness, Jill, if you can surrender your pride…surrender
your need to understand all the details, surrender your drive to “be
responsible” on your own strength for your own shortcomings…
Wow, God, I am not OK with You taking my shortcomings for
me. Isn’t that what you did on the cross
with my sin!?! Why then do I think that
I’m burdening you too much to take my feeling of being overwhelmed and worn
out!?!
Mercies anew every morning. (Lamentations 3) It’s a new day, walk in it with Joy, Dear Daughter. I want you to walk – light and joyful – that reflects
Me.
Lord, I want to surrender this heaviness, this worn out,
depressed, overwhelmedness.
I know I can trust You
to take it, will I let you?
For Your glory, not just my comfort, For Your glory, LORD,
for Your glory…
That’s it! I feel
like if I just let it go for my comfort, I’m cheating somehow, taking the easy,
shortcut road…but if my motive is to walk in step with The Spirit, that frees
me to let go for Him to be glorified through my surrender!
Sigh…
For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.
For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)