40 Days of Surrender - Day 29

Tuesday, November 8, 2011 - Surrender The Judge (A Lesson in Grace)

Justice.  I value it.  As I should, for God does.  BUT, "...Mercy triumphs over judgment."  (James 2:13)

I want my judgment to be from God's perspective - to determine justice as God determines justice.  HOWEVER, I think that in my striving for God's perspective, I'm trying to align it with what I see as God's "Ideal" portrayed in Scripture.  That is good, EXCEPT, I think I play the Judge in determining the justice of a situation and that's NOT MY role.  And as God is The Judge, HE looks at things through the lens of The Fallen World, whereas I am striving (in my judgement of justice vs. mercy) to make the world look like Eden.

The illustration that came to mind was a pair of glasses:  it's as if one lens is Justice and one lens is Mercy.  God looks through both and judges situations accordingly.

I tend to close one eye on the Mercy lens in order to uphold Justice to make the world look a little more like Eden.

BUT, we now live in the Fallen World and therefore God NEEDS to and does look at it more through the lens of Mercy.  I think if I wanted to see more with God's "Post Fall" perspective, I will need to close the other eye and look through His lens of Mercy more often.

To surrender me being the judge of justice, means I get to be more like Jesus and live as a Giver of Grace.


For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.

40 Days of Surrender - Day 24

Thursday, November 3, 2011 - Even the Customer Service Lady

I called our insurance company yesterday and customer service representative, Melissa (name changed to protect the "innocent":)) answered in her "end of the day at the end of the week, not liking my job very much" voice.  I do try not be the person to make the customer service person's day unpleasant, so I started the conversation off quite friendly (even though I already feel like I've gotten a bit of a runaround from them):

J: Hi, I'm following up on a claim that was mail at the end of last week.

M: Well, where did it get mailed to?

J: Investigations department in Kentucky.

M:  Well, I don't have record of it in the system yet.  It could take 7 - 10 business days for us to get it in the mail.

J: I don't think it would take that long to get it in the mail.


M: If it was mailed in it went to a central location then got scanned in, then sent to the investigations department [which is interesting b/c I thought that's why I was given the investigations department address specifically to expedite the process, but that's fine], so it may take 7 - 10 business days to process and get into our system.  [It had only been 5 - I wasn't expecting it to be processed yet, but I wanted to follow up and make sure it was received, but I understand they might not be able to track that if it hadn't gotten scanned into the system yet].

J:  OK, I understand it might take 7 - 10 business days to process, I was thinking you were saying it would take that long just for you guys to receive it in the mail.

M: Oh, well it could, I have people send me things and I say, "Oh, I didn't get that" and sometimes it can take a month.

J [In a sarcastically friendly, a.k.a. snotty tone]: Ma'am.  You don't need to go defending your insurance company.  I know that happens under rare circumstances, but usually it takes 2-3 days to receive mail these days.

M: I'm just saying it could take 7 - 10 business days to process.

J: Alright then, I'll check back in 7 - 10 business days.  Thank you.

GUILTY CONSCIENCE...Can't keep sweeping the wood floor without being pierced with guilt.  Even though I didn't yell at the customer service lady, my sarcastic snotty tone was just as disrespectful.  It was rude, unnecessary, and unbeneficial to argue with her about the postal service delivery timing.  It was unbeneficial arguing...I need to not justify my sin...and I need to confess...and ask forgiveness...All these lessons of surrender rolled together with the Customer Service Lady!!!  (whom I will most likely never speak to again, but whom I still sinned against:( )

Stop what you're doing, Jill, and reconcile.


But, God, can I just finish sweeping this area?


That's saying what you want to do is more important that making things right with Melissa, who bears my image (James 3:9, 10 ) and you wronged with your words.

Sigh...stop in the middle of something (which is hard for me!)...dial, ring, push prompts, and I get disconnected! [Do they have caller ID!?!]...sweep a little more...call again...

J: May I please be connected to Melissa.
S: Sure, If she isn't available would you like her voicemail or be directed back to me?
J: Voicemail, please.
M's voicemail...
J: Melissa, this is Jill.  We just spoke about the claim I mailed in and I wanted to call back and apologize.  I really do try not to be the one to add to the misery of a customer service person's day and I realize that even though I didn't yell at you my sarcastic tone was just as disrespectful.  It was rude, unnecessary, and unbeneficial for me to argue with you about the postal system's delivery time.  I just wanted to call back and apologize and hope you have more of a blessing sort of day.  Thanks.

Phew...that was humbling.  But I hope that the humility itself demonstrated Christ and His power in His people's lives to confess sin and seek reconciliation!  Our God is a God of reconciliation!  On the one hand I'm glad I got Melissa's voicemail because it was easier to just rattle off my apology.  On the other hand I'm very curious what her response is.  Maybe God will show me in Heaven one day...for now I get to walk in the blessing of obedience - no matter how awkward or how much or little I "feel" the blessing!


For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.

40 Days of Surrender - Day 20

Saturday, October 29, 2011 - Forgiveness

I had two chances yesterday to humble myself and ask for forgiveness.  Both to people close to me, both people I can tend to speak sharply to.  And that AGAIN was my sin in which I was needing to ask forgiveness for again.  In both instances 21 days ago I would justified the sin of my harsh words in my mind and then not addressed it with the person and keep going as if I hadn't just spoken degradingly to a human being who is bearing the very image of My Creator God. (James 3:7-12)

But The Fast held me accountable, I surrendered my temptation to justify my sin, humbled my pride of "being right" and sought reconciliation in the relational withdrawal through asking forgiveness.  And the one instance was a special challenge because I "corrected" a friend in front of my son, so I had to make sure I asked forgiveness in front of my son also.  Hard, but freeing and peaceful.


For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.

40 Days of Surrender - Day 16

Tuesday, October 25, 2011 - Surrender Self-Sufficiency

Since I was little I have strove for independence, which has developed into self-sufficiency.  I have been convicted by it a number of times since trusting Christ, but it is certainly deeply rooted.  During my study of 1 Peter 4 this morning, I was struck by verse 11. Verse 10 says, " As each has received a gift, use it to serve on another, as good stewards of God's varied grace:" followed by verse 11, "whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God, whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies - in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ.  To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen."  "Whoever serves, as on who serves by the strength that God supplies"...Theologically, I know in my head that "apart from Christ I can do nothing" (John 15:5), but in practice I tend to serve out of "my skills and abilities."

The LORD has brought me to an interesting place in my "serving" this year.  Our family has committed, at least this school year, to serve a ministry to teen parents.  I've known about the ministry for the 7 years of its existence and always "had a heart for it," knowing these were needing girls (and guys) and little kids.  After studying James our small group was convicted to reach out to the poor, the widow, the orphan more and chose this ministry.  God demonstrates his heart throughout scripture for the helpless and the hopeless through His special concern for the moneyless (poor) , the homeless (sojourner), the husbandless (widow or unwed mother), the fatherless (orphan), and the childless (barren).  These teen parents (and their children) often fall in the first four of those five "helpless and hopeless" categories.

Our family has taken a extra step of involvement and I have started to get to know the girls in more of a mentorship capacity.  And this is what I have learned: I am ill-equipped!  And that is such a GOOD place for me to be as it forces me to "serve by the strength (and wisdom) God supplies"!  These girls come from backgrounds of generational poverty and family/personal brokenness and issues that I cannot related to nor have I dealt with in my meager Christian leadership training.  Normally when I feel inadequate, I would tend to feel useless and defeated.  However, although those temptations have surfaced, I have been able to respond to them with a humility and trust in God to work in and through me.  So, ministering to these teen parents (in their life issues more than in their parenting skills) is a specific way I am learning the beauty of surrendering self-sufficiency and there is certainly splash-over lessons in all areas of my life!


For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.

40 Days of Surrender - Day 15

Monday, October 24, 2011 - Lifelong Surrender

As I was thinking about my last 14 days of my 40 day surrender, it dawned on me that it hasn't been as HARD as I expected.  It has been hard in the humbling sense but that in itself has been freeing and peaceful.  I realized that although I would say I've had more victory than failure (thank you, Jesus!) the end of the 40 days is not going to be the end of my struggle of surrendering mySELF, Pride, Control, Anger, etc. And I knew that, but it sunk in a little more as I do like "arriving at the destination" and "accomplishing/completing the task".  But I can look at this 40 days of surrender as a powerful catalyst into a beautiful, freeing, peaceful Lifetime of Surrender!


For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.

40 Days of Surrender - Day 13

Saturday, October 22, 2011 - Surrender Ease, Comfort

This morning - email that Mother in Law may have lung cancer for the third time...in laws' dear Christian neighbor in her late 70's lying weak & bed-ridden with bone cancer...the timing of my morning not going as I thought it would...none following the "smooth" plan we plan for ourselves...all suffering to (very) varying degrees. All calls to surrender our striving for ease and comfort.  We don't need to go and look for suffering; living in the Post Eden World is enough to live with suffering (whatever varying degree it might be that life is not matching up to your "smooth" plan.)  Does anyone plan out their course to be intentionally difficult?

My study of 1 Peter is continually reminding me that we are exiles in this Post Eden World and we shouldn't feel comfortable.  Maybe when we feel comfortable we should ask "What's wrong?" instead of when we face suffering.

For the first 5 years of my marriage, it would rock my world when my DH would (unintentionally) do things that made my life "not easy."  My perspective was that having a husband would make my life more comfortable, rather than adding difficulty to it.  Grace would be slow because his action (or lackthereof) was an assault on my striving for ease and comfort.  In this last year, the LORD has been refining that perspective and I am starting to learn how to surrender the striving for ease and comfort.  This morning I was reminded that life is not so much about "smoothness" but about SUFFERING WELL, and that involves surrendering ease and comfort and ABOUNDing IN THANKSGIVING.


For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.

40 Days of Surrender - Day 12

Friday, October 21, 2011 - Depression

After my break down yesterday morning and the proceeding conversation with God, it still took a bit for my heavy cloud to lift.  But my heart was certainly sensitive to what God was doing and saying in my heart and life.

I was walking in to teach swim lessons, knowing that I had to be professional and friendly, though inside I was overwhelmed, heavy, sad (though not as much as earlier that morning!)  And God showed me how my tendency is to hold on to my "depression" instead of being quick to 'let it go,' 'lay it at His feet.'  I think that in my self-sufficient, independent (prideful), good ol' American "pull yourself up by your boot straps" kind of spirit, just surrendering something like depression to God seems like a "cop out."  I "should" deal with it.  And where that idea came from, I'd like to know because it's certainly not biblical nor anything I remember being specifically taught.

And then I realized that my way of "dealing with it" is to wait until something happens to lift my depression.  (Getting enough things done on "The List" that I don't feel so overwhelmed, something good happening, someone giving me a compliment, getting good time with a friend, etc.)  And that mindset is communicating that I am waiting for a circumstance to make me "feel" better instead of trusting the LORD to care for me and putting my hope in His promises - comfort, provision, grace, peace, joy, eternal glory, and the list goes on.  I need to learn to have the mindset of Christ (Phil. 2:5).  The bible teaches that our hope and joy are rooted in the character and works of God, not based on our feelings!  May I surrender that depression quickly!


For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.

40 Days of Surrender - Day 9

Tuesday, October 18, 2011 - Breath in the present presence of I AM

I got angry twice yesterday.

In the morning, I wanted to go for a run and got frustrated with my son because he was moving slowly and resisting me asking him to put on pants since it was chilly outside.

In the evening, as I was trying to get the house pulled together for my mom's arrival while simultaneously getting the kids ready for bed, my 18 month old daughter drew on the upholstery of my favorite pink chair with a blue dry erase marker.  (I am so sick of dry erase markers staining clothes!)  That was the straw that broke this camel's back - I got so overwhelmed, I fell to the floor and cried.  And then I realized I was just angry.  With a cry out to God, I stood up and figured I better attempt a rescue on the chair sooner rather than later.  (And remember, I have tried in vain with dry erase marker so many times!)  The thought came to me (Thank You, Holy Spirit) to use rubbing alcohol...and IT WORKED!  I made a big deal about it to my son, that God was so merciful to allow us to get it off the chair, even though the blue mark was still on sis's pajamas.

So, instead of being defeated by my sin, I want to be sanctified by it, so I wanted to process with the LORD through journaling this morning.  He helped me see that the first instance was an issue of my agenda being challenged.  And the second was me feeling out of control.  There it is - anger rising from pride --> me not having my agenda met and my not being in control!

This is such a pattern, LORD; what am I to do next time to respond in a more godly manner?

*"Take a deep breath in the present presence of I AM"

Sigh, yes, LORD.  That will help me realign my thoughts - from being caught up in my mind and emotions and being "made new in the attitude of my mind."  (Ephesians 4:22-24 - came across this verse during Scripture Memory review this morning, seemed so appropriate!)



For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.

Pride vs. Brokenness List (Nancy Leigh DeMoss)

This list is from Nancy Leigh DeMoss’s “Brokenness: The Heart God Revives” book.  It is a non-exhaustive (as she describes) list comparing a proud person’s attitude to a broken person’s.  She starts the chapter saying, “Years ago a missionary served in a region in Africa that had known seasons of true revival.  He reported that whenever he would mention the name of any Christian, the national believers would ask him, ‘Is he a broken Christian?’  They did not ask, ‘Is he a committed…knowledgeable…or…hardworking Christian?’  They wanted to know, ‘Is he a broken Christian?’  Are you a broken Christian?  Am I?  How can we know?”

I appreciate reading in black and white the prideful sins I so easily try to make gray in my justifying.  Before I even read the first list of “Attitude toward others” I knew I was guilty of being critical and judgmental.  O, LORD, may I not justify these character traits and see clearly as the comparison to the proud, self-made rules I have in my own head.  Ugh!  May I feel them as ugly as soon as the thought enters my head and Cut ItOff!

I was convicted that I needed to get permission before posting this copyrighted material, so I removed it and will hopefully follow through and receive permission.  In the mean time the list can be found on pages 88-101of Nancy Leigh DeMoss's book "Brokenness: The heart God Revives"


Sorry, for the inconvenience.

40 Days of Surrender - Day 8

Monday, October 17, 2011 - Arguing

In the last two days I have recognized my temptation to argue.  Praise the LORD He granted me the recognition and self-control to not engage in the argument.  Neither was anything significant so I am thankful that the LORD is easing me into this trial with fairly easy temptations.  It helps me recognize though that I have good practice arguing and I think I'm pretty good at it, if I do say so myself...not that that's much to take recognition in!  I see how arguing fans the flame of my pride causing me to persist in having "my way be right."  Ugh!  And thus another way "my way" and "me being right" and "having the best way" rears its ugly head!  May I feel them as the ugly sin they are as soon as the thought enters my head and Cut It Off!

Galatians 5:16-19 was a memory verse I was reviewing today.  “The acts of the sinful nature…” It’s easy to skim over the list as it appears “extreme.”  If I’m honest with myself, though, I’m guilty as charged by a majority of them and especially idolatry, fits of rage, and selfish ambition in this current trial of surrendering.  That’s enough for the death penalty – “…those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.” May I feel them as the ugly sin they are as soon as the thought enters my head and Cut It Off!


I was also reading a small portion of DeMoss' "Brokenness" book and I got to The List that I recall from reading the book years ago.  The List of comparing Proud people with Broken people. It was eye opening then and freshly convicting now in this season of Surrendering Pride.  I am realizing that in this 40 Days of Surrender, I'm learning to surrender a lot of things - control, irritation, frustration, "my way" being best, arguing til I'm seen as "right"...but the root is My Pride.  I think that's why this book "Brokenness" has been such a good tool in this 40 Days of Surrender - More of You, LORD and less of Me!




For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.

40 Days of Surrender - Day 7

Sunday, October 16, 2011 - Cut It Off!

The sermon text this morning was Matthew 5:27-20.

Lust.

"You won't say, 'No!' to lust, until you say, 'Yes!' to something you love more."  ~My Pastor

3 Words to be "Cut off" from Lust:
1) Transparency: Live your life in such a way that people can see it - live in the light and invite others in
2) Community: You were not meant to fight sin battles alone
3) Love: You won't say, 'No!' until something else is more appealing; until your love for God is greater than your love for your sin.  The Gospel will become more sweet when your sin becomes more ugly.

The seriousness of sin: If you could fix it by mutilation, it would be worth it!

Cutting off that which is most dear to you for the sake of righteousness!  (The right eye and hand would have been of utmost value in a culture where life depended on it: archery using primarily the right hand & the right eye and the soldier swinging his sword in his right hand, looking on with his right eye while his shield is mainly covering his left eye).

If your computer causes you to sin, cut it off!
If the route to work causes you to sin, cut it off!
If the game causes you to sin, cut it off!

If my pride causes me to sin, cut it off!  Selah...pause...hmmmm...how does one go about cutting off their heart!?!

Ah, tis the ambition of this Fast...to have the scales cut off day by day by day...

This much, O LORD, I want You, this much!

The pain is worth it because YOU are WORTHY!


(Note: Most of these thoughts are from My Pastor)



For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.