40 Days of Surrender - Day 5

Friday, October 14, 2011 - Motive for Freedom

I sensed that drive to be free from this "thorn in my flesh." And I realized that it's not even that I am anxious for the "process" to be done, which is a step in itself for me as I am usually looking for the end of the journey instead of being content IN THE MIDST of the Journey.

What I noticed in my drive to be FREE was not by striving for the end of the process as much as looking forward to the comfort and benefit it will be for ME and in MY life when God uses this fast of surrender to graciously break me from this ugly addiction.  And in that itself I was convicted of how my perspective is so caught up in MySELF. (Which is the root of this whole surrender!)  I DO want this brokenness to be for God's glory, but if I am honest my main motive is for MY good.

Reading 1 Peter 3:1-12 this morning for Bible Study...

"so they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives"
"quiet and gentle spirit"

May I win souls souls be won by and to Jesus through my quiet and gentle spirit!  (Even as I wrote out that prayer, I had to change my wording to correct perspective.)

May THAT be my motive!

It's not just worthy to surrender in my own life, but it's worthy for Christ's eternal Kingdom.

LORD, please be molding my heart so that its motive is more and more FOR YOUR GLORY!



For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.

40 Days of Surrender - Day 4

Thursday, October 13, 2011 - Addiction

I was reading again in DeMoss's Brokenness book and a story caught my attention as the man described his addictions holding him back from brokenness.  I recognized that my current issue of surrender could be seen as an addiction.  I am addicted to thinking that my way is best more than I have a submissive heart that lives a life of surrender to the Way of the Sovereign Lord.

My natural pattern that I have gotten addicted to is to justify my thoughts and actions.  It is a natural, fleshly pattern, not "natural" as in "healthy" spiritual habit.

It's as ugly as the addiction of cigarette smoking -- cold turkey, Jill -- be done with it, don't flirt with the temptation by justifying sometimes.  You hang on to addiction because you feel some benefit.  The only benefit of your "Self-Will" demanding its way is that it feeds and comforts your bloated pride.  That's it - I haven't wanted to completely let go of justification & my Self-Will because it has been a protective covering of my pride.  When I see it for what it really is, its root and its why, it is easier to see the ugliness of the SIN (call it what it is and don't JUSTIFY it!) and its offensiveness to God Almighty!


For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.

40 Days of Surrender - Day 3

Wednesday, October 12, 2011 - I WILL sin, confess quickly, don't justify

Ugh!  It's only Day 3 and already I slipped up (a.k.a. SINNED) and had a disrespectful tone because DH didn't use the wash cloth I thought he should to clean up DS's pee pee accident.

As a recovering perfectionist, it urks me that I "failed".  Oh, I want to be so committed and disciplined.  But, ah, the revelation - I WILL NOT be perfect in this process of sanctification, in this process of being healed from the disease of "Self-Will," I WILL SIN.  The response to that sin demonstrates my growth.  Will I revert back to my habit of justifying my attitude and words or will I be quick to confess the sin without attempting to justify it?

Upon this Spirit prompting, I told my DH that I was sorry for over-reacting about the wash cloth and he was quick to say, "I forgive you, thanks for acknowledging that."  (i.e. he's not used to me acknowledging my disrespect in "little" things like that).  THAT's victory - one "little" battle won in this war waging against my soul.


For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.

40 Days of Surrender - Day 2

Tuesday, October 11, 2011 - "God is Sovereign and this is not sinful"

When things don't go as I think they should, God is the One who is truly in control and sovereign over the details of what is happening.  If it is not direct sin (and more just things not going according to my preference), I need to accept graciously and not try to finagle "my way."


For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.

40 Days of Surrender - Day 1

Monday, October 10, 2011 - Convicted, Lead to an act of Obedience

Fast from getting irritated when things don't go "your way", fast from justifying your disrespectful tone when things don't go "as you think best" - for 40 days, with the intention that the extended intentional fast will break this habit of your "Self-Will" getting its way and the result being walking more intimately in step with the Spirit.


For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.

40 Days of Surrender - Daily Lessons

Day 1 - Convicted, Lead to an act of Obedience

Day 2 - God is Sovereign and this is not sinful

Day 3 - I WILL sin, confess quickly, don't justify
Day 4 - Addiction
Day 5 - Motive For Freedom
Day 6 - The Greatness of My Sin and The Surpassing Greatness of His Grace
Day 7 - Cut It Off!
Day 8 - Arguing
Day 9 - Breath in the presence of I AM
Day 10 - AHHHHH!
Day 11 - Conversation with God
Day 12 - Depression
Day 13 - Surrender Ease, Comfort
Day 14 - Not every day has a significant lesson
Day 15 - Lifelong Surrender
Day 16 - Surrender Self-Sufficiency
Day 17 - Hesitancy, Talk with God
Day 18 - Jumbled Emotions
Day 19 - I should have been armed YESTERDAY!
Day 20 - Forgiveness
Day 21 - How is a Christian to Respond to Halloween?
Day 22 - To be Angry is to Murder
Day 23 -
Day 24 - Even the Customer Service Lady
Day 28 - Mouth
Day 29 - Surrender The Judge (A Lesson in Grace)
Day 30 - Surrender Perfectionism
Day 31 - Surrender THE LOAD
Day 33 - Surrender Trying to Make Things Happen
Day 58 - Keep Surrendering
Day 61 - Surrender "Getting it all right" NOW
Day 68 - Surrender Status Quo (Exhorting Holiness)

40 Days of Surrender

Here it goes...

It will be worth it, it will be worth it, it will be worth it...

YOU are worthy, LORD, You are WORTHY, LORD, You ARE Worthy, LORD!

So, 31 years to this place.  And I've been here before, but this time I truly want it to be different.  I want to say that I "desperately" want it to be different, but although the "desperate" feeling has poked it's head in, it hasn't taken root.  I think because it's going to be HARD...

It's going to be hard to surrender my SELF.  Not my spirit, not my personality, but my SELF-WILL.  Ugh!  That thing that continually causes conflict between me and those I love - heck, the thing that causes conflict within myself!  (Galatians 5 - we do not do want we want to do because our flesh and spirit are at war with each other.)

So, I had posted that I had fasted Sunday, October 2nd in order stir up my hunger for God.  Less of me, more of Him!  Throughout that week, that stirring was present.  Then Sunday, October 9th the sermon was on Matthew 5.  Our Pastor made the point that the commandment "Do not murder," which applies to very few, quickly applies to EVERYONE when Jesus gets to the heart of the Law -- anger toward others, insults against God's image bearers.  As many times as I've read this passage and heard messages on the Sermon on the Mount, it seems as though the LORD was preparing me for such a time as this - fasting the previous week, having my mother-in-law visiting who I spoke disrespectfully to, stress of company leading to quicker disrespect toward my husband.  Nothing over the top, no blow-ups, just that annoying continual drip.  That underlying irritation of mine that gets fanned and then expressed in harsh words and does as much damage as a spark of fire in a dry forest (James 3).

I came home Sunday and read some of Nancy Leigh DeMoss's book "Brokenness, the heart God revives"  I've read it twice before.  It's a short book that I return too when I know there is need for brokenness in an area of my life.

And so, Monday, journaling, it occurs to me that fasting is what I need again, a brokenness from that idol of "self" in my life.  That which makes me strive for control, that which makes me irritable (another word for angry) when things don't go "my way", that which is so strong that it blurts out what it's thinking before I can reign in that powerful tongue - words that hurt or heal.

LORD, I want to SURRENDER my self-will, so that I am able to have the gentle and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:4) that is pleasing in your sight.  An open-handed life, a soft spirit that is moldable in Your hands and flexible toward the people and circumstances around me.

Oh, this is going to be HARD...but doing the RIGHT thing IS often hard...Obedience is sometimes hard but always right...LORD, I believe you are calling me at such a time as this to Obey this Hard road - so I look more like your Son, Jesus and thus bring You more glory!  It will honor You and those around me (specifically my husband and those close to me who get hurt by the affects of my Self-Will expecting it's way:))

For a list of all the daily lesson titles in the 40 Days of Surrender in one place, Click Here.